Breaking the Cycle: Transforming Toxic Relationships Through Self-Awareness and Effective Communication

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Chapters

• 0:00 Breaking Toxic Relationship Cycles
• 7:57 Understanding Dysfunction in Relationships
• 12:19 Recognizing Toxic Behaviors in Relationships
• 25:14 Achieving Healthy Relationships Through Humility
• 32:37 Spreading Love and Ending Toxicity

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What's up everyone, welcome to let's Dig the Podcast, so I think I'm gonna jump straight into it. So this conversation right now, it's really about how to break toxic cycles in a relationship, and when we were going to talk about it, I started thinking about all the things I want to say about you. I wanted to say all the things that I think about all the people that were toxic in my life, and while I was talking, I literally had this thought what about all the toxic things that you have done, or the toxic things that yourself?

Speaker 2: 0:26

that you bring to a relationship Right.

Speaker 1: 0:28

Like me, right, and I'm like, oh snap, no, I wasn't trying to talk about me, because I think all of us always think we're the ones that's fine and we're the one that's healthy in every situation. But that's not really true. I think all of us have some stuff in us that we're allowing ourselves to do, or do in a relationship that we're not aware of, that we're actually bringing poison to a relationship. It's true. I want to talk about that right now. So let me say this real quick If you guys are looking forward to this conversation, go ahead and hit that like button. Send this to someone. Matter of fact, you even hit that little heart button if you're watching this on YouTube Send us some love Shout out to all of our let's Dig crew members.

Speaker 1: 1:04

that's been rocking with us. Whether you've been rocking with us since day one or you just found this channel, tell us how you found this channel. Tell us how we can connect with you. Man, we're here to help you grow deeper relationship with God, others and yourself. Anything else we want to say before we jump in?

Speaker 2: 1:19

I think that's it. We love y'all.

Speaker 1: 1:20

Hey, let's go.

Speaker 2: 1:21

Let's dig.

Speaker 1: 1:22

Okay. So when you brought up this, this conversation, I was like, yeah, man, there's some things that Dan and Lee does, or I was in a relationship, a relationship like with a friend and slash coworker that recently. I'm not going to talk about it because I think it's too soon. Okay, Thank you. Yeah, that it's. It's too soon, but the relationship got toxic. This person just walked out on me Right, straight up no-transcript.

Speaker 2: 2:15

Toxic cycles that picture in my mind is, honestly, it's arguing over and over again about the same thing. So I really dug deep to think back of what that looks like in our marriage when we first started and we first got married and I told you I said I had to realize that there were more things about myself that were actually the problem of why we were having toxic arguments over and over again, or even just the keyword of cycles, like it just kept repeating. And it wasn't until the last few years I became more self-aware of myself, of my emotions, of my feelings, of my reactions, and why did I react that way? And oh, that's the feeling that I was actually feeling.

Speaker 1: 3:02

It wasn't until I did that work on myself that I could actually get us out of that toxic cycle and I can actually testify and say babe, I've seen the improvement in your like self-awareness, because several years ago we get into argument and it would just blow up within minutes.

Speaker 2: 3:19

Yeah, I'd pop off.

Speaker 1: 3:21

It's a situation. It's a situation.

Speaker 2: 3:23

I would pop off and listen. We were still in ministry and I would still drop bombs. I like cuss words, Like it was not holy. It was not what it was supposed to be, but I was a very reactionary person when we were fighting. I was very demonstrative, I was very um, and I was, honestly, very dramatic. It all, though, became explosive. It became such a big thing, but when I finally started doing the reflection and when I finally started actually verbalizing I need a minute that was the first start. That was the first start, because I don't know about you, but I'm a person that I got words.

Speaker 1: 4:05

They may not be good words, I got words.

Speaker 2: 4:09

So for me, for me to have to say I need a minute.

Speaker 1: 4:14

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 4:14

That's actually hard, because I feel like I have all the words I want to say to you right now and I'm ready to fire off. But that wasn't true, it wasn't the good words, it wasn't the correct words. So then I. So the first step for us was learning to say I need a minute and walking away.

Speaker 1: 4:29

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 4:30

That really did help. Once I started to take that minute, that's when I actually started to realize the feeling that wanted me to explode on you, to yell at you, to scream at you, to use cuss words, all those things it all boiled down to.

Speaker 2: 4:47

I actually felt embarrassed for whatever reason whether it was that I didn't have an answer. I didn't know this. I didn't you know I maybe I made a mistake, like whatever that situation might have been, the core feeling that made me want to scream and yell at you and and fight so hard was I was embarrassed and so I had to literally say like, okay, I didn't know what that was or I didn't say that correctly or I didn't use the right words, or whatever.

Speaker 1: 5:13

Yeah, it's interesting because just two, three days ago we felt some tension when we got on a phone call. Yeah, you called me. I picked up, brother, we're going to talk about it, hey, relax now. No, it's okay, We're're gonna talk about it, y'all, hey, relax now.

Speaker 1: 5:25

No, it's okay, we're gonna talk about it so Danny Lee calls me, I pick up and I was at my office, I'm tuning my bass guitar, trying to fix it, about to record some bass on a track, and she's asking me questions about dinner. We have some people coming over to the house that we're walking with and kind of doing some counseling with them and, um, she's like, she's like what should we get? And I'm like I actually don't know. And so she starts getting flustered with me because my tone gives her this feeling that, like I have no interest in this conversation, am I telling the story?

Speaker 2: 5:59

And your bass tone bass playing in the background also gave me a tone so you can hear that I'm busy and in my voice.

Speaker 1: 6:02

And your bass tone bass playing in the background also gave me a tone that you didn't have answers, so you can hear that I'm busy and in my voice it sounds like I have no interest, it sounds like I don't want to be part of the decision and it sounds like I'm dumping it on you. So it made you feel all those things and we start like like poking at each other.

Speaker 2: 6:21

Actually no correction. I literally said, okay, fine, I'll just make the decision, I'll figure it out.

Speaker 1: 6:28

Which.

Speaker 2: 6:28

And that did not. So I was doing it out of anger. I was a little flustered, but I was like fine, I'll just figure it out.

Speaker 1: 6:35

But what I'm saying is like that's something that triggers me and which, again, we're talking about being self-aware on, like what are some things that we bring to a relationship that makes it dysfunctional, which we're going to talk about dysfunction and toxicity and triggers and triggers right. Dang, I didn't know this podcast was about all them things.

Speaker 2: 6:53

I'm just saying those are all valuable parts of the toxicity.

Speaker 1: 6:57

Toxicity. We're going to talk about dysfunction, we're going to talk about triggers. So you did this thing where you're like fine, fine, fine, fine, I'm just gonna figure it out on my own. I'm just gonna, it's good, okay, you're about to jump off the phone and that triggers me, because sometimes there's a thing that you do where, like, if you, if it's making you uncomfortable, or or if there's no immediate solution, or if you feel like there's bumping their heads, you, you're more like a, your fight or flight and a lot of times it's flight. It's like, fine, feel like there's bumping of heads. You're more like a, you're fight or flight, and a lot of times it's flight. It's like fine, fine, fine. There's times we've been in argument. You just walk away. I'm like yo, you're just going to walk away like this, because you're too flustered or your ears start getting hot or you start feeling steam. So you're just like fine, I'm like what's going on with my voice? They're like bro, yeah, are you not a podcaster? Can you not talk longer than five minutes? Relax, all right.

Speaker 2: 7:50

We've been talking all day.

Speaker 1: 7:52

We actually did a radio recording today, which was cool. Um, shout out to K bright radio. Um. So anyway, bro, that thing triggered me because for me I'm like, I'm a peacemaker and. I want to sit here in it which we've learned in the past there's times, if you don't have words, or if you can't describe your feelings, or you can't describe what you're feeling, you just want to either fight, because you're embarrassed that you don't have words. So you're a fighter, or you just want to flight like you just want to dip.

Speaker 1: 8:20

Cause I for sure do not want to sit in this uncomfortable and for me it's different because I want to sit, so you're ready to go. So now I got a little frustrated because I'm like what are you doing? Why are you getting off the phone? You're like, well, because you don't want it and you're making me feel. And you're making me feel, you're making me feel.

Speaker 1: 8:34

And I had to stop and say, okay, what did you imagine this phone call was going to be? Like, describe to me what you need from me, me, what do you need from me right now, on this phone call, for you to not have those feelings, because I had even called you out. I said, babe, I understand you're feeling all those things, but I saw your phone ringing, I picked it up and we're having a conversation. I just have no thoughts for this question that you have and it's making you feel like. And so you had to realize, okay, those were just feelings. But he was cause you, cause you was like, hey, I did pick up and we're having a full conversation, and even though I didn't have thoughts or questions, we both had to take a deep breath.

Speaker 1: 9:13

We sat in it, right? So I think both of us had a realization of like for you, you got flustered with me, so you just wanted to leave. And I'm like no, no, no, no, no, we're not going to leave. And for me I realized you just want the attention of like that you care for this. So I had to stop pause. I'm like, okay, like what if we? How about we got Chipotle? What if you like?

Speaker 2: 9:37

what if you text her? I was like, okay, yeah, text that person, see what they want. And I said I don't have the words for what I need. Like I, like you said, what did you need from me to make this conversation go differently? And I said I actually don't have those words right now.

Speaker 1: 9:49

And so here we are realizing in this moment, right here, it wasn't really. First of all, it's not toxic. Now for those, it wasn't even an argument but what I'm saying is 10 years ago it would have been toxic popping off for sure. We would have called people people names. We would have said comments, like you always, and you never.

Speaker 2: 10:08

Those were two words that we had to take out of our arguments really quickly. Yeah, you always do this and you never, and you never make me feel that way. You never do this, you never do that and that's first of all.

Speaker 1: 10:19

Those are trigger words, for sure, those are um, are like toxic behavior statements and it's actually part of dysfunction, because dysfunction is like yo, we're here and we're working out Like we're making it work, but we're always saying like you never work or you always I'm like. That's dysfunction, but in that moment we both fully aware of ourselves.

Speaker 1: 10:42

Like I know that I can sound like I have no interest and I can sound like you're on your own. I know that I can sound like that. So I have to look at myself and say you know what? Okay, what do you, what do you need from me? What did you imagine me saying? And then I also had to say babe, you're saying that I'm making you feel a certain type of way, so I need you to speak into that and I appreciate you saying you know what? I don't have words. Those were things that many years ago we wouldn't have been able to say, those things.

Speaker 2: 11:13

We would have never been able to verbalize that. Not at all.

Speaker 1: 11:16

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:17

So what would you? How do you define dysfunction?

Speaker 1: 11:23

Yeah, I like to the way I like to define dysfunction and I guess we could look it up too, Like you could look it up.

Speaker 1: 11:28

Yeah, sure, I like to define dysfunction as something that is working improperly. So it's almost like it's functioning, but something about it is still broken. Right, it's like you know. It's like your car, you know it's. It's like you know a window, like, for example, in in in my Jeep, the controllers to to get all the windows to go down. I can put all the windows down from my controller, but the backseat controller don't work. So when Jordan's sitting behind me, for some reason he can't get his window to go down. It's dysfunctioning. The window works, but it's not working properly.

Speaker 2: 12:09

Yeah, dysfunctional is literally. The definition is not operating normally or properly, and that applies to dysfunctional families. I think it's really important to be retrospective of what was your family dynamic like when you grew up. I literally said to you the other day yeah, I said you huffed and I said why are you breathing at me? What was your response? You remember?

Speaker 2: 12:36

I don't even remember, I don't think you were breathing at me yeah, but because of my childhood and my family, my dad huffed a lot when he would feel frustrated and the whole house would feel it he would just and it wasn't necessarily wrong for him to breathe, like people have to breathe, but because of how my family was built and the the knit of us being feelers, yeah we would all feel that breath and we'd be like dad's, mad like it.

Speaker 2: 13:04

Just, I think our reaction to it was dysfunctional. I don't think him breathing was dysfunctional, it was the way we over felt it. We were oversensitive to it. So when you do it and I remember that even when we first got together, but even still you huffed the other day and I was like, why are you breathing? I mean, what did I do? And you were like I'm actually not breathing at you, I just did this thing and I can't figure out what it is, or something very simple, but I had to recognize you exhaled which humans have to do.

Speaker 1: 13:35

I got it. Your boy got to breathe.

Speaker 2: 13:36

I got to breathe that triggered me of like what did I do wrong?

Speaker 1: 13:39

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 13:39

And so it's just really important to know those nuances about your childhood or your family and to make sure that you don't just carry them into your relationship and not even be aware of them. Right, yeah?

Speaker 1: 13:49

Yeah, I think, yeah, man, I, I think so many people are living in dysfunctional relationships and they don't know it. Because it's still functioning and because it's still working, they think it works.

Speaker 2: 14:06

What did we just define dysfunction as?

Speaker 1: 14:09

Yeah, I know, that's what I'm saying. I think a lot of people are like, like not normally or properly. Yeah, so it's not normally or properly working, but it's working, that's just not healthy.

Speaker 1: 14:23

So, for an example, when you become a husband or you become a wife, you become you know one of someone else. You guys become one, and the purpose of it is for us to live life together, raise children, challenge each other, encourage each other, hold each other accountable. And I think some people get married thinking that it's what that person can do just for me, and they don't hold their weight, and for me that's dysfunctional, because the goal was for us to work alongside each other. The goal was not even for you to be behind me. The goal is not for you to be ahead of me. The goal is for you to be alongside me, right, and so we become one.

Speaker 1: 15:02

And so our goal is to make sure that we offset each other when it comes to strengths and weaknesses. And I think there are so many people that are in relationships that they don't speak up or they don't say anything. Jesus said blessed are those that work for peace. So our goal is to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers. So people who just keep their mouth shut and don't say anything, to me those are signs of some dysfunction, because that's not how you're supposed to be working in a relationship and that was part of me at the beginning.

Speaker 1: 15:31

We're supposed to be fighting for this and so some of the dysfunction in relationships sometimes can be subtle, or I'm sorry they can be subtle. They could be so small and you don't think like, you're like, oh, you think we're fine or someone that's passive aggressive that's dysfunction.

Speaker 1: 15:48

People think dysfunction has to be throwing bottles around and punching holes in the walls and always screaming and yelling. No dysfunction could be you being passive aggressive. Yeah, because passive aggressive is basically saying screw me, screw you, yeah. That's a form of communication Like I don't like me, I don't like you, I don't like none of this. But I'm going to fake it, I'm going to do all this type of passive aggressive that's dysfunction.

Speaker 2: 16:11

I used to do that at the beginning. I could be passive aggressive at the beginning.

Speaker 1: 16:16

Yeah, which is a form of, in my opinion, dysfunction.

Speaker 2: 16:20

And it would make it toxic. It would make the fights worse.

Speaker 1: 16:28

It would make everything more unhealthy, if that's even a way to verbalize it. If you look at the word toxic I looked up the word toxic it's containing or being poisonous material, especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitate. I can't even say this word Debilitation, debilitation or serious. It's debilitating, debilitating. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2: 16:53

Word of the day.

Speaker 1: 16:54

You guys know that I am a Haitian man and I speak queer. We baby. Okay, you have to understand this. Come on, you have to understand this Probably, queer.

Speaker 1: 17:06

Yeah, so it can literally like cut somebody short. It can cause someone to not die on the outside, but someone to die on the inside. That's what toxic behavior can do. And passive aggressiveness right, even forms of and this is I had to check myself Y'all ready for this? Right, even forms of and this is I had to check myself y'all ready for this? Even forms of sarcasm is toxicity when it comes to dysfunctional relationships? Right, it's a way of medicating and it's a way of covering up how you really feel so about that some more sometimes I can hide how I really feel behind sarcasm.

Speaker 1: 17:48

That's true, it's like a defense mechanism, it's a defense mechanism, and so those that are sometimes the most sarcastic people in the room which sometimes I can be you got to look out for people like us, because you actually don't know how I really feel we hide behind sarcasm. So I have to check myself so many different times because that, right, there can be a form of toxic behavior in relationship that I could bring, basically causing someone to down inside, because you actually can't even see what's happening on the outside or on the inside and it's not syncing up. So to me is it can literally cause something to malfunction. So here we are working and I'm like that's great.

Speaker 1: 18:30

You might say something like that's. So to me it can literally cause something to malfunction. So here we are working and I'm like that's great. You might say something like that's great, love it, straight sarcasm and hate it on the inside. I've had, I've had, I've worked with people, I've had subordinates, people that's worked on me and they'll be on me and say great, love it. And I'm like you don't really mean that.

Speaker 2: 18:46

You don't really mean that, but like the worst is when, cause I, when I hear the word sarcasm, I hear it or think of it more often as in humor. Yeah, so oftentimes it is used as humor, but you're talking about, like, where it's actually so manipulative, cause that's what it is at its core it's so manipulative. You actually don't know. You actually don't know.

Speaker 1: 19:06

Like. There've been times where someone's like is at its core. It's so manipulative you actually don't know, you actually don't know.

Speaker 2: 19:07

Like there've been times where someone's like, wow those shoes. And I'm like, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know, Because it came off like sarcasm. Like wait, are you making fun of my shoes, or am I supposed to say thank you?

Speaker 1: 19:20

Exactly, and so it's toxic. It's toxic behavior why? Because something in it contains some type of poisonous material that can cause someone to die on the inside. And who knows who's dying on the inside. The person that had to use sarcasm on the outside is really dying on the inside, because their inside and outside don't add up, or the person that was, you know, sarcastically projected onto is on the outside. Thank you, oh, this is great. And on the inside, thinking like I don't know if this is the truth You're saying both of them are affected by the poison.

Speaker 1: 19:52

Everybody's affected by it and to me, these are behaviors of a dysfunctional relationship. So, whether you are a sibling, whether you are a spouse, whether you are a boyfriend or girlfriend, whether you are a coworker or you are a supervisor or a manager, like all of these are things that yo. I think we really got to check ourselves and think like what type of toxic behaviors am I bringing into a relationship? It may not just be yelling and screaming and fighting.

Speaker 1: 20:22

Sometimes it's subtle sarcasm, sometimes it's passive aggressiveness. Sometimes it's passive aggressiveness. Sometimes it's you trying to be a peacekeeper, right, knowing that you're in a relationship that might be physically abusive, mentally abusive, emotionally abusive, emotionally abusive yeah, and you're letting it go by. I'm like you're enabling somebody to add on to this relationship. Well, why? Because he paid my bills? Oh, so your bills are working. Oh why? Because your car note's fine, or he went and got my car fixed right, or that person is paying for this person. So it seems like it's functioning, but it's dysfunctioning.

Speaker 2: 21:00

That's really good. Listen if y'all are enjoying this conversation. Please, please, please, don't forget to like this video, comment on it, send it to someone who's maybe in a toxic relationship and struggling to identify these characteristics that we're talking about. But it is so important for us to build healthy relationships and, honestly, that is one of our core reasons and why we are here. We are here to help you grow a deeper relationship with God, others and yourself.

Speaker 1: 21:27

Yeah, if you're listening to this on Apple and you're listening to this on Spotify, if you wouldn't mind hit that like, write a review, actually Send this to somebody and jump over to YouTube too and see our beautiful faces. Sometimes you got to see what we're working with. We have a lot of people actually in some different countries that's been tracking with us on spotify and apple, so really appreciate you guys. You guys probably even see this hat that I'm rocking right now on youtube. This is the ldc trucker hat.

Speaker 1: 21:56

It's really our mission to help people grow deeper relationships with god, others and themselves, and so you guys already know about our hoodie. You know about other things our bags, our stickers. Grab one of man. It's from the new life collection. Um, we just love being able to create things that people can share their stories and walk alongside people. Um, if you guys have really been enjoying this like even on YouTube, you can even hit that little heart button right there Show us some real love. Um, I gave a shout out last episode to our brother Wayne, sent you a hat already, brother man. Appreciate you, man, for all your support. Appreciate for everybody that's been praying for us. We have a lot of people that's been rocking with us, and so you guys are the reason why we keep jumping back on in front of these cameras every single week.

Speaker 1: 22:36

man, Talk back with us. We love you guys.

Speaker 2: 22:38

man, I mean, I think there's so much more that we could even say about this conversation For sure. I wanted to read a scripture, though Let me find it. It was James 1, 19, 20. It says understand this, my dear brothers and sisters you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.

Speaker 2: 22:59

Human anger does not produce the righteousness God God desires, and for me that was a very huge lesson. To help aid our marriage to be healthier was that I had to control my anger and my emotions and my frustration. The anger literally can overtake every other emotion, where I couldn't understand that I was actually embarrassed, I couldn't actually understand that I was hurt or I was sad. The anger just literally it mutes everything else around you and it overtakes it and then it causes things to explode, and so then it would explode and then we'd have to come back hours later. So for me, learning to listen first, learning not to open my mouth right away, even though words will come out, don't open your mouth right away.

Speaker 2: 23:50

Um, verbalizing, I need a minute, and not like I'm done, cause that used to be me as well. Like I'm done, I'm just not doing this anymore. Like it is a different factor in a disagreement, when I say I'm done, I'm walking away, or I'm, I just really need a minute, that is completely different. You react completely different when I say I just need a minute Cause I feel like I'm going to blow and I don't want to. So when I say I need a minute, it helps me give a second, calm down, take a breath, get my thoughts together. Yeah, that's true. And then so like those two approaches are very different in an argument. But those are some things that I've just had to learn in our marriage to give us healthier options for arguing, because this is one thing I wanted to say is we've had couples ask us do we ever argue? And I don't want to give the appearance that we don't argue.

Speaker 1: 24:47

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 24:47

I don't want to give the appearance that if you argue you're in a toxic relationship, it doesn't always mean that. Sure, but do we argue in a healthier way than we did at the beginning? Absolutely. Have we learned a lot of skills and traits that we've talked about today that help us be healthier? In those ways, we're going to disagree. We have two different backgrounds. We have two different childhood impacts. There's so many things that make us different. So, yes, we are going to argue, there are going to be conflict, but conflict resolution is what you need. You need those skill sets and whether that's reaching out to a therapist and having someone walk you through how to learn how to resolve those issues, whether it's a therapist to help you, okay, I think you're actually a little codependent and we need to work on that. There's so many things that sometimes you just need outside help to help you resolve those things and work through them. Um, but year plus, because we've been working on ourselves so much.

Speaker 1: 25:54

I'd say last three years. Yeah, I do not remember the last time we've had a big explosive argument no, I can't remember. And it's all because, first of all, the spirit of God that we've allowed to overtake our thoughts and overtake our minds and emotions and emotions, of course, right, because we're led by the spirit and not our, our, our emotions, um, and it's us doing work in ourselves.

Speaker 2: 26:16

Yeah, cause no one can control your emotions but you. It has to be me, and I've had to learn that the hard way and I always try to teach our kids that, like, if you're crying, like I tell our five-year-old girl all the time, baby, who can stop making you cry? Only you can stop making you cry.

Speaker 1: 26:33

Yeah, and I've noticed all the work that you've put in, like, even when we're arguing things like that or we have a huge disagreement on something like I, I'm able to notice you being able to differentiate the times where it's just your feelings. And it's like this is making me feel like and I appreciate that because that would have triggered me too sometimes, cause I'm like feel, and I appreciate that because that would have triggered me too sometimes, cause I'm like I'm working so hard on my words because, before I can find words to anger you, I could find words and it would make me some controlling, narcissistic type of dude, knowing that the person that could anger you becomes your master. Because, think about it, anger is one of the ways that Satan can get inside of us. When you get angry, it opens yourself up, and so someone that can anger you can control you. And so, early on in our marriage, if I want to get the upper hand, I just knew how to anger you. And so for us now realizing like, wow, man, god, I really need you to work on me, work on my heart. Reveal to me so, daily, weekly, I always pray, say God, reveal to me the dark sins, the dark things that I don't even know, like, bring it to the surface so that I can repent and turn from those things. And it's so important, man, if I would say this to anybody that's really trying to figure out in a dysfunctional, toxic relationship am I the one that's making it toxic or is this other person making it toxic?

Speaker 1: 27:57

Jesus says before you check somebody else, check yourself. He says before you help your brother, take the wood chip out of their eye. He says take the big old wood block that's out of your eye first. He's not telling you to not check your brother, he's saying just check yourself first. So I've learned, man, how do I check myself? It's literally by humbling myself.

Speaker 1: 28:13

So even this person that I mentioned at the top of this conversation, that walked out of my life like I had to call them and say if I've ever done anything to mislead you, I said I'm sorry, I had to humble myself because it's easy to poke at everyone else. It's easy to poke at everyone else, but I'm realizing the bigger person is the person that humbles themselves and say you know what, if I did something, I'm so sorry and I hope you can forgive me. And I've learned that. We've learned that, practicing that in our relationship, learning to say sorry.

Speaker 1: 28:43

So it's humbling yourself, owning when you're like man, maybe this is me and if this is me, give that other person that you trust an opportunity to help them or to help you by revealing to you like yo, this is where you're going. But you know what? I'm going to say this right now. I don't want no one trying to check me before they check themselves. It's true. So even for me, before I come to you and say, babe, I think you did this, this, and that I always start off with like hey, so I'm going to do better here.

Speaker 1: 29:11

Right so I'm going to do better here. It happened the other day, happened on that phone call. Yeah, there was something that happened last Sunday. I had to call you out on it on our way to lunch and you quick said well, we should have done this, this and that. And before I even checked you, I said you know what, I hear you and I'll do better next time. Yeah, and right away you were like well too, that right, there is a healthy relationship when we're all checking ourselves. So humble yourself, check yourself first, man, and find the right people to be in relationship with. That can do the same thing. And when both people have humbled themselves and check themselves, then we can start correcting each other.

Speaker 2: 29:45

That's all I got to say and I don't want to end this episode in this chat before we say that if you are in a toxic relationship, if you're in an unhealthy relationship and you have done everything you can on yourself and that relationship remains toxic, you don't have to stay there Right. Like we shared, uh very early on when we relaunched this podcast, it's coming up on a year anniversary or it's a year now is a year now. Yeah, it was two years of of Brittany.

Speaker 1: 30:17

All of your friends.

Speaker 2: 30:18

Yes. So two years, um this month I lost a friend to um domestic violence and that relationship I never knew was physically abusive. I knew it was manipulating and it was abusive emotionally. And so I do want to say if you are in a toxic relationship that is manipulative or emotionally abusive or physically abusive, that doesn't mean you have to stay, you can leave. If you have done everything you can to create a healthy relationship and the other person is not willing to do that, you don't have to stay.

Speaker 2: 30:54

But I wanted to end with 1 Corinthians 13, because that's what it all boils down to. When you're in a relationship with someone, you love them. Whether it's a family relationship, whether it is a romantic relationship, love is the foundation. And so I want to remind us all that love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, oh Lord. It keeps no record of wrongs. Easily angered, oh Lord. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes and always perseveres.

Speaker 2: 31:44

And so I just wanted to leave us with that thought that that is what love looks like, the love of God in your relationship. It protects you, it preserves, it, keeps you safe. It does not point fingers, it does not attack, it does not gaslight, it does not manipulate, it actually does not physically hurt you ever. And so I just want to end this conversation with whatever toxicity is in your relationship, try to heal it, try to do what you can on your part, and if that is not enough, you don't have to stay. And this is the definition of what love looks like. It is love. It is God sending his son, jesus to die on the cross for us, to give us eternal life. That is true love. God is love. And so that's just how I wanted to end this conversation.

Speaker 1: 32:36

Yeah, man, that's cool. That's cool. Once again, if you've enjoyed this conversation, hit that like button. Send this to someone that you know that might be in a dysfunctional relationship. Send this to someone that you care, save this for later, bookmark it. Hit that heart. But more importantly, man, we love you guys. God loves you, jesus loves you, and that's the standard for love, and no one should have to tolerate toxic relationships, especially when God loves us. And so we love you guys. Man, let's connect, let's stay in touch and we'll see you next time. Peace.