LET'S DIG | Pierre & Danilee Aristil
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LET'S DIG | Pierre & Danilee Aristil
Navigating Marriage and Money: Finding Harmony Through Financial Transparency
What happens when financial transparency is missing from a marriage? We explore the anxiety-laden territory of joint accounts and financial habits, emphasizing that pooling income can foster a stronger partnership. The devastating consequences of financial manipulation come to light through real-life stories, stressing the need to identify each partner's spending or saving tendencies. We share practical, lived experiences about managing household expenses and navigating the sometimes clashing organizational styles between partners. Open communication about dreams, goals, and responsibilities is not just ideal—it's essential for a healthier financial relationship.
Why do some marry for money? We untangle the complexities behind this decision, spotlighting a tale of two sisters who chose wealth to escape poverty, only to face unforeseen emotional costs. Our own journey from financial struggle to mutual support underscores the irreplaceable value of love over material wealth. We explore the pitfalls of materialism, advocating that true happiness stems from genuine connections, not the security of a bank account. Reflecting on past mistakes, we emphasize the importance of setting aside pride and continuously adapting to find the financial management approach that works for your family. Listen in for inspiration and practical advice to strengthen your marital bond through better financial practices.
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What's up everybody? Welcome to let's Dig the podcast. Today we're going to have a conversation about a topic that we thought we would never talk about. True that we're going to talk about marriage and money, baby.
Speaker 2:Marriage and money and all of it.
Speaker 1:We're going to talk about his or her money. Is that even a thing? We're going to talk about the struggle of fighting about money, the intensity of it. We're going to talk about the power move too. Those right Is the one with the peso. Should they have the most say-so Right? That's the thing in couples. That's the thing in relationships of like I made more money or you made more money and whoever makes the most money should decide about it. And we used to have fights about money. I mean, it was a trigger in our household. There were some times we couldn't even talk about it and it caused our marriage for real. And I think we're in a better place now. We're in a healthy place now. What we can talk about? We don't have all the answers, but we just have some thoughts and some things that we've overcome, what we think we can help some people when it comes to the perspective of money in your marriage, money in your relationship. So let's dig, let's dig, okay.
Speaker 2:so I was doing some research about this topic, right, and I found this article. It's heavy, y'all, hold on, it's going to blow your mind. Once you read this to me, I was like it gives you chills Ready, okay. So, first of all, it says that in 2022, over 40% of marriages said that the main point of tension in their relationship was finances. It's crazy. Which I totally believe it, believe it, totally believe it. 100 okay, but here's where it gets juicy.
Speaker 1:So I won't say juicy but well, hot heated I don't know, maybe they go heated.
Speaker 2:Okay, it says in, the number one reason of marriage killing money issues. So the number one thing that contributes to killing marriages through money, it is that they fail to put their money together.
Speaker 1:Which is wild, because we live in a time, right now, where it's fashionable.
Speaker 2:It's so trendy, it's so trendy To not put your money together. So many people do this.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Where they think like no, we're going to come into this marriage you keep yours, I'll keep mine, and we'll split the bills down evenly. Or sometimes it's not even even. Sometimes it's like the man will pay the rent and the woman pays all the other things. That's crazy. We don't come back to that. But keep Okay, We'll come, but either way it says. It says failing to pool earnings. So when each spouse works and they can't agree on financial issues or even find the time to talk about them, they sometimes decide to split the bills down the middle or allocate them in some other manner that seems fair and equitable. Once the bills have been covered, each spouse can spend what's left as they see fit.
Speaker 1:So that's very common nowadays in society.
Speaker 2:I'm going to go ahead and say right now, like I just don't agree, I agree, I just don't agree that I don't agree.
Speaker 1:Okay, that was confusing. Go ahead Go ahead.
Speaker 2:It was confusing, Okay. Then it goes on to say it sounds like a reasonable plan, but the process often builds resentment over the individual purchases made. It also divides spending power, which that's a whole different topic, eliminating much of the financial value of marriage. The couple who splits the bills probably hasn't sat down to plan for any long-term goals, such as buying a home or securing their retirement. Yep, it can even lead to a relationship ruining behavior. Yeah, when one spouse hides money from the other, it's known as financial infidelity.
Speaker 1:So which we're going to stop right there. Hold on.
Speaker 2:And the last part of the sentence says and it can be as serious as the term implies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you mean people can be cheating with their money? Woo Jesus, so you mean that can be cheating with their money? Woo Jesus, so you mean that? So, which is crazy, because that makes me think that most people are thinking like, okay, I've been faithful to my wife or I've been faithful to my spouse, I've been faithful to my partner, right. But have you, if you're hiding money, you're secretly stashing money, you lying, you cheating, that's not faithful.
Speaker 2:That's so true. Like yesterday or the other day, we just went to the Dollar Tree. I took the kids to Dollar Tree and I went a little crazy. You walked in the door.
Speaker 1:Bro, I walked guys, I walked into the door and all the kids was like Daddy, come see what I got. Jordan's coming out with a Xbox headset, brooklyn got three shades. They got all this stuff.
Speaker 2:It was the first day of like the summer with the kids, so I was like, let's go to Dollar Tree.
Speaker 1:And then I found out it was from Dollar Tree. I was like oh, but.
Speaker 2:Jordan ratted me out so fast, Our 10-year-old son. He put me on blast as soon as you walked in the door. He was like Daddy, guess how much mommy spent at the Dollar Tree today? That's crazy. Which it was a record. I'd never spent that much, but just so it's known and said that 25 cents that they've added to every item really does add up. It's highway robbery. Anyways, all to say, it's not that I was going to hide it from you, it wasn't like a secret. It's not that I was going to hide it from you, it wasn't like a secret.
Speaker 1:But, man, it put me on blast and it made me feel like, well, maybe that's not how I'd want to tell them. I spent that much money at Dollar Tree. So, as you guys can tell, we live a lifestyle of honesty. So our 10-year-old son has no idea that he shouldn't have ratted you out because we don't keep secrets in our household. I'm just going to say right now I disagree with. I disagree with having a secret stash, Like if, if I'm going to have a secret stash, it will be a secret to every single person in my life, but you Right.
Speaker 2:So, to phrase it differently, you are not against having stashes, you're against secret stashes, because we both have stashes. But we also know like hey, if something comes up, you better pull that money from your stash, for sure, from your stash.
Speaker 1:I have no problem with having a secret stash, like so okay, so the top. So the question is do you believe in his or her money, his money, her money, money that you have that she don't know about, or money that you have he doesn't know about? And I'm saying right now, like I, I do believe in his money, her money. I do believe, like you know, we should have our own little, you know spending money or whatever, yeah, jar like our own little piggy bank and things like that.
Speaker 1:I just disagree in keeping it a secret, yeah, like keeping it from you. So there's times in our marriage where, like you know, we've talked through our lifestyle and things that we enjoy, things that we like or things that we wish for or dream of having, and so there's times where you literally know that I am stashing money aside because I really want to buy this really big thing, or I'm stashing money aside because I actually want to do something with it and I don't know what I want to do with it yet, and it's my money on the side. But there's been times where, if we were going through financial crisis right, because we're all in this marriage Yep, I'd pull from my stash, so sorry.
Speaker 2:And sometimes you'd offer it and sometimes I'd have to say we just need it and I'm sorry. It was really sad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, when we first got married, like money was, we were, I mean, every single week. There was times we were arguing about it. We were fighting about it or it was triggering, it was so hard.
Speaker 2:It was super triggering and I've learned more about myself now to know that I am such a feeler. So when that stress comes in really hard, I feel it through my whole body and it's probably going to come out and blow up at you. To be honest, and I've learned now, like that, when we do have to have conversations. Number one like the biggest thing about finances is that you just can't ignore it. Like you have to get over the fear, get over the anxiety and you literally have to see most of the time, like if you're in that situation most of the time you just have to see how much you don't have.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2:And it's the scariest part of it, cause you're like, I actually don't want to know. It's that whole thing of like I'd rather not look, but you have to look, cause otherwise you're never going to get out of that hole. And so I've learned like to know when we can talk about it. I've told you straight up no, dude, I'm too tired. You got enough energy. I am not in a good place.
Speaker 1:I cannot talk about the money.
Speaker 2:Like, I'll talk to you tomorrow when I have a fresh brain, fresh energy, fresh caffeine, all the things, but right now I'm going to stress out and I'm going to blow up and I just can't do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think too. So let me ask you this Um, um. Do you think that, when it comes to joint accounts, do you think that, between a husband and a wife, that we should even out how much we're bringing in and putting the same in the pot, or do you believe in putting all of it in the pot, regardless of who makes more or less?
Speaker 2:That's a hard question. I tend to think that everything should go in the pot and that everything should be a decision together. I mean, it was years as a hairstylist. It was years before I made a like what you would consider a full time income, because most of the time I was part time working or I was at home with a kid part time and working part time. The time I was part-time working or I was at home with a kid part-time and working part-time, Like I was just bringing in things here and there, yeah, and so I would have.
Speaker 2:I would have, I don't know, probably punched you, but like I'd have been so mad if you held that over my head as like a power struggle, and we've seen it time and time again. I mean, if y'all haven't seen the video where I talk about, um, my biggest regret, and that is with a friend that I lost and she had to live through I lost her to domestic violence, but she had to live through that power struggle the person she was with held money over her head. Like use that as control and manipulation and so to avoid that, just because you make more money, it doesn't mean you have more control. That's unfair and I think.
Speaker 1:I think it's healthy for couples, especially young couples, that are getting into relationships. And you're getting married, and now you're you're the two have become one right, we're Bible believing people, guys. You guys know that we believe in Jesus and we believe in the Bible and everything that it says, and we believe that what the Bible says like a man and a woman, they come together and they become one. So everything like you know, so when you have a problem, it's not your problem. So everything like you know, so when you have a problem, it's not your problem, right, it's our problem. That's right, right.
Speaker 1:So when I bring home money, like it's not my money, it's our money. Now we talk about it. We talk about what's going to go into checkings. We talk about what's going to go into savings. We talk about what's going to go into spending, what's going to go into to pay off debt, like we talk about what has to be paid off for the kids and then we talk about yo, I want to personally stash this amount of money, right, because I'm saving up for this thing.
Speaker 1:I think it's very important for us to have conversations about our dreams and our goals. I, I, I encourage all couples like talk about what do you dream about, what do you wish you were doing, if you want to have a vacation, if you want to and there's some things you're more passionate about than I, than I am. Like, I think it's very important, like I do believe, like, when they say identify, okay, who in the couple is the spender and who in the you know who in the couple is the saver. I really do believe that is important, because one person might be like yo, I just want to live life, I'm just going to chill, and which, like you know what? I'll just say right now, by nature, I'm the spender. Because I think it's because I've never worked an actual nine to five.
Speaker 1:I've always been a creative, I've always been a contractor, so I've always had the skills to pay the bills. So, even back in the days, if I had no money, give me seven days, we're going to find money. Right, I had skills where I just like yo, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this gig, I'm going to put this out, I'm going to sell this. I always had gear. I was always selling.
Speaker 2:That is true. You've always had gear to like rotate out.
Speaker 1:I was like yo, give me two days. I'm about to sell $5,000 worth of stuff. You're, it's just that hustle mindset, so it was just like yo, we're just going to live life, we're just going to live today and let tomorrow take care of itself, like you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:And so we've had those conversations and also you're the one that had to pay a lot of the bills, the groceries, those type of things which I hated for a long time and I really tried to avoid it, to be honest with you, because I'm not that type A like, I'm not a spreadsheet person, I'm not, like, super organized, and so I really struggled to be that person, to be like, okay, I'm going to pay the bills here. But it was actually your sister that like set me down one time and was like, hey, let me show you, this is what model we use, this is how we do it, this is how we set up, and it really, really helped me, like I was so grateful. It changed us. It changed our finances for sure.
Speaker 1:Like we talked through. Okay, like these bank accounts aren't working, split your money, put it in some different bank accounts. They have one bank accounts where you own, like you have to go there physically in person to pull out money. There's other ones where it's backup, virtual. Like you know, everything's going to work different for everybody. There's some people that you know you've done the Dave Ramsey, the financial piece. Like we've done that for a little bit.
Speaker 2:Or the envelope system.
Speaker 1:Like the envelopes, the envelopes like some people have done the envelope thing Like I. For us that didn't work. But for some people that do work I worked for, like our parents' time. Yeah, that's true. Right, they had envelopes, I think. Ultimately, I think what people just need to learn when it comes to financial peace in their house and financial freedom in his house is just having transparent conversations. Transparency is the number one key thing when it comes to peace financially.
Speaker 2:I would say transparency is number one and a level playing field is number two, because you cannot have a healthy marriage when there is a power struggle over money, Like if you are using that as manipulation and control just because you bring in more, then you're not one and you're not doing what you are responsible for, which is taking care of your family and treating your family like it's you.
Speaker 1:That's big. That's big Cause we talked about this. There are some organizations, there are some corporations and some lanes in our lives, like when it comes to the workplace, right. When it comes to different categories in your life where the one is a saying that I said, I said earlier, the one with the peso has the most. Say so. I disagree with that. When it comes to marriage, yeah. Like where the one is a saying that I said earlier, the one with the peso has the most say so, right, I disagree with that. When it comes to marriage, yeah, I don't think it should be like oh, because I brought in more money this month, I get to say what we do with money and a lot of times, to be honest, that's just the man Like, that's just statistics, which I did read that, like last year or two years ago, women were finally becoming the breadwinners.
Speaker 2:But the problem was they were finally becoming the breadwinners and then they had resentment because they didn't get to spend the bread on themselves. They had to take care of a nanny and house cleaner and all these other things that required them to pay for because they were working so much to become that breadwinner.
Speaker 1:Because by nature in a normal household and a normal. American family household where the man brings in most of the money, which is not true. There's a percentage of couples where the woman brings in the most.
Speaker 1:Like we're not going to get into that, because that's not what we're talking about. What we're talking about is transparent conversations and not hey, I did 70, you did 30. So I get 70% most of the power and you get 30% less. Like it's not about that. It's about having the conversations and talking about it, and we've seen it. I mean, there's been times last month, I think you brought in more than me. I think I did, you brought in more than me last month.
Speaker 2:Which is crazy, and so for you.
Speaker 1:There was a point in time where you brought in extra last month more than me, and you're like, oh snap, it has to all go to bills. And I was like, welcome, welcome to being the man. So true, where do you think?
Speaker 2:it goes Especially because we're both contractors, in the sense of we pick up extra gigs. So we think like oh, I picked up an extra, I'm a hairstylist so I do weddings. So we think like oh, I picked up an extra, like I'm a hairstylist so I do weddings. So I'm like oh, I picked up an extra wedding, I'm gonna go stash this and it's never like shopping spree time. It's literally I'm gonna go stash it so that we can go on a vacation or whatever.
Speaker 1:Well, and us stashing it is not the problem, because there's been times where you've extra and you're like, hey, I brought an extra, but I do need to stash some of it, right, because I want to do this or I want to do that, and it's not you saying I'm gonna stash it, it's I need to stash it. And you bringing it to me is us talking about it for sure?
Speaker 2:I'm like, okay, yeah, that makes sense and then a lot of times it stashes and then we have to pull it out for something else that comes up with the kids or the car blow a tire or whatever, like something always happens. So I just think it is just being that transparency and the like, not controlling, yeah, what else?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, we were mentioning a few of them earlier, first of all. So let me take a moment to say this Thank you guys for jumping in on these conversations. You guys already know we respect you guys, we love you guys. I don't know why I had to do that. I don't know why you did either.
Speaker 1:I'm looking at the camera and there's like this weird thing on my picture like we can see ourselves. But I just want to say I want to take a moment and just say shout out to everybody that's listening to this on Apple and on Spotify what's up to every single person that now on YouTube, listen. If you feel like this conversation is enlightening you and is bringing you value, just hit that like button, like button. Hit that like button. We would greatly appreciate it. More importantly, we'd actually love if you actually subscribe to this channel. It's not about numbers, honestly, and we said it earlier. It's not about going viral. It's about giving value and if you feel like you're getting value from this conversation, jump in on this conversation with us. Like, let's dig, jump in that chat, jump in that um, the comment section right there and let us know if, if this is resonating with you. But let's get back to it.
Speaker 2:All right. The other day in the salon I was talking to a lady and she was telling me about a story of two sisters she went to high school with and that they both were raised pretty poor, like they didn't have a lot of money, and so they both ended up as grown adults marrying for money. Like they were intentional of where they dated guys, where they picked up guys and who they got married to. And so she was telling me that her friend had been married for 30 years. Her kids are all grown out of the house now, and so she was like, okay, you're done, like leave him. And the person was like, okay, you're done, like leave him. And the person was like, no, I'm good, I'll just stay here. And like it was crazy to hear that someone like intentionally went in married for money.
Speaker 1:That's why. What do you think about that?
Speaker 2:I think that, like a lot of it comes to mind, right, Like I mentioned my friend earlier, like financial piece is something that people really do look for, especially if you didn't get that when you were a child. Like you're really looking to fill that void of like, oh, if I can just get someone who will take care of me.
Speaker 2:I'll be fine. But when I have seen relationship after relationship on the outside right it's not me in the relationship, but I've seen an outside perspective of someone who they got the car, they got to drive the nice Mercedes car, they got all the nice gifts and clothes and whatever. They went to the nice restaurants, they went to the most amazing vacations. But at the end of the day that person was emotionally abusive to them and cheated on them all the time or they always had to have an escape route of like oh, I have to have money stashed because if I ever have to leave I know they're going to take everything from me.
Speaker 2:Like it's crazy. I would never think that marrying for money is more valuable than marrying for love.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and when it comes to marrying for money, it all has to do with their upbringing, all has to do with trauma. You know, let's say they lived in a household in a situation where life was always tough for them, when your whole life was that way. Then you find yourself thinking like man, I need things right. It's being like materialistic, you know. So everyone has different situations. Sometimes it's just that fear of not having anything Right. And, um, I just, I'll be honest, like you know, the Bible says, like Jesus said, like you know, wherever your treasure is, that's where your heart is. And so when we become so materialistic and we think about things, we think about money, think about all those situations, then we find ourselves making decisions based off of money. And I tell this to people that I mentor, like people that I lead, all the time I say don't chase dollars, chase your dreams.
Speaker 1:Like because we know so many people in this life. You know people that we've, we know people that we've never met before celebrities, people that die and they have everything, all the things that anyone could ever want. And they're still lonely, they're still depressed, they're still stressed out. Some of your most depressed and stressed out people are the people that have all the things.
Speaker 2:And that's why I think like I would so much rather marry for love and I did. Yeah, I would so much rather marry for love and know that the money will come, cause if I'm married for love, you're going to want the best for me and I'm going to want the best for you. I'm wanting you to chase your dreams, I want to see you succeed and we're going to do whatever it takes as a team to make that happen for both of us. But if you reverse it and you marry for money number one money is fleeting. It will disappear tomorrow and go and goes, comes and goes.
Speaker 2:But if you're not married for love, that person can go too, yeah, and they can go with the money. Or the money can go and you're stuck with a person you don't love and there is no money, like there's so many more factors. But if you marry for love and you take that responsibility of, like, this is my choice, this is what makes me make this choice, this is my choice. This is what makes me make this choice, the money will come.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when we first got married, we had nothing.
Speaker 2:Nothing. Somebody asked us one time when you got married, did you guys put your account together? And we were like yeah, because we didn't have anything to put together.
Speaker 1:Like we didn't have no money. Someone asked me. They said what did you guys do with your money when you first got married? And I was like what?
Speaker 2:money.
Speaker 1:We ain't do nothing. And so I do believe that it's very important for us as a couple, for us as a family, to really establish our foundation, what really matters to us. And so I think, when it comes to finances, like when we first got married, we had nothing Like. We had nothing Like we always, we never saw inside of our bank. We always saw inside of a check cashing store, because every time we got paid we had to go cash it right away. Like our rent was like a thousand bucks, maybe a little bit over than that, and I wish we had that right now. That's true.
Speaker 2:I wish that was our rent. It was like $1,200.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and there's some times like we weren't making nothing, but because we stayed open about it, we talked about it and we were fighting about money too. We were fighting about it because we was fighting about how much we didn't have at that time. You know, things have fluctuated. We went through seasons where we had so much we was just like so much money was coming in that we stopped counting it. And then life happens, something happens, tragic happens, change happened.
Speaker 1:I lose a gig, or we lost a contract, or we lost a retainer or something like that, or we had to move again or we had to move, like these things happen, but we kept on talking about we kept on talking about it.
Speaker 1:So anything that I would suggest to anybody that, whether you've just got married, whether you're looking to get married, whether you've been married for many years, like there's some things that we can do to course correct when it comes to money and finances, money and finances in our marriages. I think the first thing, we got to really be transparent about the communication and, like you said, I think we have to also make sure that it's 100% one side and 100% the other side. We are both coming in at 100%. You have the angle and on the field that I do not have and so, even though there might be a time where I bring in more or you bring in more, we both 100% like we don't split. We don't split our money, we don't split our children, right Right, we don't split our problems. Like, we don't split like things that we want to pursue in our lives. So you know, that's all I got to say about this.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think that it's a testament of our marriage, of how far we've come to just literally be able to sit here and be like these are all the things we've learned in the last years. This is how far we've come, like when we tell y'all it was explosive, it was explosive fighting, but it it's a lot of factors of your childhood and my childhood coming together and really like igniting and hitting each other off. And then we had to calm all that down and literally lay your pride down, lay your assumptions down, lay what you come with down, so that we could figure out okay, what does it look like for our family, what does it look like for me and you to be able to do this in the best way? And so really we just hope that this gave you a great jumping point of topics, that we gave you something to think about, something to look into, research, figure out like, hey, what does work for our family or how can I do this better?
Speaker 2:I know that I ran from trying to make pay those bills for a long time, but it ends up, that's just what works for our family. And so then I had to like get more knowledge for myself so that I could do it the best I could and so that I could take care of my family in that way. So, whatever that looks like for you, there's so many resources out there nowadays there's not a lack of anything so you can find what works for you, what helps you, even if you're not a spreadsheet type of girl, because that ain't me either. So, anyways, we thank y'all for joining us. We love y'all.
