LET'S DIG | Pierre & Danilee Aristil
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LET'S DIG | Pierre & Danilee Aristil
Red Flags - Your Marriage Is In Trouble - When Partners Become Roommates
Laughter and earnest advice go hand-in-hand as we navigate the emotional red flags that signal a marriage adrift. Sharing personal stories and scriptural wisdom, we dissect the behaviors that can transform partners into mere roommates and unearth the root causes of buried resentment. It's about more than just highlighting the problems; it's about affirming the commitment to fight for each other, not against. This heart-to-heart discussion is a call to action for nurturing the deep connection that marriage promises, armed with the right words and the will to understand and appreciate each other anew.
Wrapping up, we pivot to empowerment, specifically for the men in relationships who may find themselves at a crossroads of emotional disconnect. It's a rallying cry for engagement, for asking the right questions, and becoming the pillars of support our partners deserve. We encourage not just men, but all listeners, to embrace the transformative power of therapy, spiritual guidance, and self-reflection. This episode is a reminder that the riches of life lie in the health of our relationships, and we're here to champion your journey toward a more fulfilling partnership.
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What's up y'all? We are going to dig into some conversation. Today. We got some fan mail and when I read this to you, y'all are going to. We're going to dig. So we got a fan mail and it starts out with her saying she just found our YouTube channel, really loves it. She said she just watched our sex after marriage episode, which we're going to link in the top corner. You can go watch that one. That one's a really good episode. But she says she has a question. She says what if your husband is withholding sex from you? It's been two years long of asking and begging at this point. I've tried to convince him to do couples therapy, but no luck. So we're going to dig into that y'all.
Speaker 2:But if you have, not Wait, hold up, read all that, all over again.
Speaker 1:No, it's a loaded question, because that's a loaded question. It's a loaded question.
Speaker 2:We're going to pray for our sis, for sure, but we do want to dig into a situation like this to see if we're able to help Read that one for me one more time, so she says what if your husband is withholding sex from you?
Speaker 1:It's been two years long of asking and begging at this point. Try to convince him to do couples therapy, but no luck.
Speaker 2:Man, so she's been begging for sex.
Speaker 1:It's heavy yo For two years, and that he's not willing to go to therapy.
Speaker 2:Well, my heart hurts for her, for sure. My heart honestly hurts for them, because I can't imagine what a situation is like that. Um, I'm excited that we're actually even getting fan mail, which is me too.
Speaker 1:So everybody you got questions. Well, we have some answers we don't have all the answers we we got some thoughts we have thoughts, we have experiences, but anyways, it's in the description below on youtube on your podcast listeners. It's in your description, it's everywhere. It's in our description below on YouTube on your podcast listeners. It's in your description, it's everywhere. It's in our link tree. It says send us a message.
Speaker 2:Matter of fact, you could stop right now or don't hit stop, hit pause, hit pause. If you're listening to this on Apple or Spotify, you can actually see it right there in the description. It says literally it says send us a text message, hit that right there. It won't even tell us your name.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it comes in anonymous, yeah it won't give us your full number or anything like that. So if you got something to say or something to ask and you don't really want to know, you don't want us to know who you are, it actually won't tell us any of that, but you can send us a text message like that. If you're watching this on YouTube, it's in the descriptions as well. Instagram, on TikTok, everywhere. You'll see right at the top it says send us a text message. We most likely will not respond right back to you, but we're going to respond to you in this form. We won't say your name, but we will mention like hey, we got this message on fan mail and we're going to talk about it. But again, this is not for gossip, this is not to exploit people. This is for us to grow together in our relationship.
Speaker 1:And, to be honest, this is why we want to do this. This is what made us rebirth the let's Dig podcast.
Speaker 1:It was genuinely because there's so many people who are going through such hard things in their relationships and they don't have a place to have this conversation. I had a conversation with one friend. She watched our sex after marriage podcast and she was like dude, I've never had someone openly have this conversation about sexual things Like she was. Like no one in the church has ever had these conversations, and so we really, really want to make a space for conversations about relationships and how to keep them healthy and how to grow and to dig deep. That's right. So if you're ready, let's dig, let's dig.
Speaker 1:Okay, so what would you say to this person, like? What's your first thoughts?
Speaker 2:Oh, I wish you wouldn't ask me what's my first thoughts. You guys know, sometimes I don't have filters. I do have filters, they're just all Pierre approved. You guys know, sometimes I don't have filters, I do have filters, they're just all Pierre approved. So my first thought to a message we're getting saying that this woman has been begging her husband for sex for two years and he's been withholding it. So I have a lot of thoughts. But I'll be honest with you. My very first thought is he's obviously hiding something For sure. I think these are my first thoughts. My first thought is he's obviously hiding something for sure. I think my these are my first thoughts. My first thought is he's cheating, right. Um, he's getting from somewhere else. My second thought is um, perhaps there's homosexuality in this situation with this guy where he doesn't want sex with you. I have a bunch of other thoughts. I think there must be a porn addiction.
Speaker 1:I think there could be like it's not all of these, it's like one or the other combination. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm just answering your question of, like what are my thoughts? Again, I'm not no therapist, so I'm not telling you what he's doing. The question was what do I think about this? I have a lot of thoughts. I think if he's into porn right now and it's an addiction that he doesn't want to talk about it and so and so right now his wife can't satisfy him because his mind and his visual of sex has been distorted from what he sees in these magazines or videos.
Speaker 2:These are just my thoughts. I'm not saying I ain't your therapist, I ain't Dr Phil, I ain't Jesus. So I don't know your heart, I don't know your soul. I'm just sharing with you as a man if I was withholding sex from you. For I'm just sharing with you as a man if I was withholding sex from you For two years. So it's either I'm getting it somewhere else, it's either I'm gay, it's either like I have. I've been abusing it and I can't get it from you anymore, because now I have a new visual of it, or I have a vision, a new vision of what I think sex should be. There could be something medically happening.
Speaker 1:Could be when he's embarrassed.
Speaker 2:He's embarrassed to talk about. It could be as simple as that. It could be something like medically. But what I'm saying is these are red flags that a marriage is in trouble but the number one, red.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean there's two. There's that there's no sex, no intimacy. Lack of intimacy, lack of sex is a huge red flag, yeah, and that's a whole topic on its own. But the other one is that he's not willing to go to therapy, and that is what breaks my heart. For this sister to say, like I've been begging for two years, like we've said it before in other episodes, like you can only fight for your marriage if both people are in the ring.
Speaker 2:That's right. So the biggest flag in this situation is not even that he's withholding sex, is he don't want to talk about it, right?
Speaker 1:He's not willing to he's not willing to work it through and like. I mean, we have some friends that I have a friend who had made that decision of like her husband did something and she had every right to leave if she wanted to and she chose to stand and fight for her family and for her marriage. Um, we've had another friend who got married and the husband was not following the Lord, was not doing what was right, and so she prayed God, can you get me out of this? And he, he left and she was free to be in her like. So not that we're supporting divorce, but there are certain things that are biblically reasons for women that they can leave. But it is a woman's choice to decide. Does she want to stay and fight for her marriage?
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I can hear in this sister's voice and that small message that she wants to fight for it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it hurts reading that, because I'm hearing the same thing you just said.
Speaker 2:I'm hearing a woman first of all vulnerable enough to send a message to say my husband won't have sex with me. And then the bigger thing is I want to work it through, I want to go to therapy. Therapy is the desire for therapy is a sign that you want restoration in your relationship, and the opposite is basically literally saying the opposite. It's saying that you don't want to fix it. I heard some guy say the other day he said all relationships that never worked out it happened through the conversations that never took place.
Speaker 2:Say it one more time All the relationships that never worked out. If it was divorce, right. If there was infidelity, like if there was a bad breakup, it all happened through the conversations that never happened. The point is to get to the next level. You got to talk about it, that's so true, we got to talk about it, and that's how we even said let's dig, yeah, we even said, let's dig. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because we were literally digging through those hard conversations.
Speaker 2:We were digging through it. The moment I say I don't want to talk about it, that's a red flag. That's true no-transcript.
Speaker 1:She could go to therapy herself, like I think there's a lot of growth there. There's always something that we can grow on our end, there's always something we can do on our end. And so if even her going to therapy by herself, she starts couples therapy by herself yeah, Sometimes that can unlock certain things and it can open him up, it can make him feel safe.
Speaker 1:It won't happen right away but it could slowly turn that situation around. But I would always, always recommend that you go. If you are a believer, that you go to a therapist. That's a believer, because I ain't sitting on nobody's couch that will sit there and tell me this marriage actually isn't serving you. I'm actually called to serve my marriage. My marriage has not served me, so I can't trust nobody who's not going to lead me in the right direction. So I would advise and clearly say, like, make sure you sit on the right person's couch that you're welcoming to speak into your life. But yeah, she could do that. Um, I really, when we got this message, like it was really heavy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I wouldn't recommend ever going to a therapist that has a westernized worldview Right Versus a biblical worldview, right, right. Westernized worldview is you know, you got to take care of yourself, right.
Speaker 1:You know serving you anymore.
Speaker 2:I hate that phrase you got to look after yourself, like you only live once, right, yolo, like these type of these type of you know mindsets. Like it's not a biblical worldview, right, because biblical worldview is, first of all, the Bible says that, um, for wives to submit to your husbands and for husbands to love your wife. And the Bible also talks about how our bodies is not our own anymore. Right, my body is yours and your body is mine. And it tells us to not withhold sex, to not withhold the sexual connection between a man and a woman, because it will only lead to immoral behavior, it will only lead to sin, it will only lead to immoral behavior, will only lead to sin. And so it hurts reading a message like this.
Speaker 2:But I will say that to our sister that did send this message out, um, via fan mail, um, I would say, like, what you're feeling of, like, hey, going to therapy, that is a good step. We're going to pray for you, we're going to keep you in our hearts, we're going to keep you in our thoughts, because it's a tough place to be, especially when one wants to work on a marriage and the other one doesn't want to work on a marriage. Last thing you want to do is get in the ring with someone who doesn't want to fight. You know what I mean. These are flags that. These are red flags that a relationship is in trouble.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think another red flag is just that distance or like avoidance. When is just that distance or like avoidance? When and we even talked about how like we're intentional of deciding to take one car instead of two cars, or like being together? When we were in rough seasons, there was much more of like I'm just going to go run to the store, I'm just going to go to the gym. There was a lot of separation. There was a cause. It felt better to just be apart than being forced to be in that same room or do the things together because there was so much tension and so it was. It felt better to just be like hey, I'm going to go run some errands and just be by myself for two hours.
Speaker 1:That was so much more space.
Speaker 2:Speaking of which. It's funny that you even mentioned that because you remember, um, a couple of Thursdays ago. So every Thursday we all try to leave the house together, one car, we drop off the kids and we go to the gym together. So our schedules are all different throughout the week. Like most of the days, I'm up between five and five, 30, you know, I'm at the gym, or something like that. Later on, at after I have like meditation time, six, six, 30, I'm in the gym. Um, after I have like meditation time, 6, 6.30, I'm in the gym and then I'll come back and take the kids to school. Thursday's a little bit different. It's lighter days. Today's a Thursday.
Speaker 2:For those of you guys that don't know, we record our podcasts on Thursdays, and one Thursday I was just like yo, how can we always get into arguments on Thursdays? Like you guys, thursdays we'll drop off the kids and all of a sudden, like I'll say something or Dan Lee will say something, and it's just a light conversation, all of a sudden, like we're arguing or fighting or something, and it happened one time. I remember three or four Thursdays back to back, probably three Thursdays back to back. On that third Thursday I'm like you know what? This is enough, man. We just going to go to the gym separate.
Speaker 1:And you know what I said.
Speaker 2:Danley checked me.
Speaker 1:I said I'll be damned. If that's the reason, why Can I say that? Will that flag us? It's just damn. But like I was like no, we can decide to go in separate cars if we need to, for different reasons. Yeah, but I will not say that giving us space just so that we don't fight is the answer. Yeah, like for me it did kind of like it. It's it. It triggered me. Is that the right word of like no, we're not going back to that? That's what it felt like it was a flag it.
Speaker 1:It was a red flag, it was a very red flag because I was worked way too hard to get to this point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's not our solution and I was tired of us like getting into these little tick for tax, little poking argument and then we never get to work out because we sit in the car at the gym parking lot and we would be like trying to work through something or argue through something, and then we'd be like, well, our pre-workout is out of our system yeah, we just drop off the kids and it's a light conversation about what we think about Jordan braiding his hair or something.
Speaker 2:It'd be like something so random.
Speaker 2:They were not like anything big and all of a sudden, like we're so passionate about it and we're sitting in the car. Like you know, both of us got to go pee. Now the pre-workout is done through our body, we're sitting outside the gym for like an hour and at that point it's like you know what, I don't even feel like working out, and there was a Thursday. I was like I'm done, I don't want to do this anymore on Thursdays. Let's just take separate cars. And I appreciate Danny Lee for doing this. This was a red flag because it was her saying like no, like we start that pattern. Where else are we going to do the same thing in our marriage? These are red flags, those are small indicators, and so there's going to be some times in a relationship where one person is going to see a red flag and other person isn't going to see the red flag.
Speaker 2:That's true, you got to trust each other enough to know that both people are in this ring fighting for each other, right? We say this all the time we're not fighting with each other, we are fighting for each other. So there's times I don't see a flag and you saw a flag and I was like all right, good point. So we still keep up with it every single Thursday. Now we just tiptoe, kind of walk on some eggshells. I tread lightly. No, I'm not playing.
Speaker 1:You just said no, I'm not playing, I'm not playing.
Speaker 2:He's like I'm telling the flag If you guys can see me, I am blanking three times for help.
Speaker 1:You're such a jerk.
Speaker 2:We still ride with each other every single Thursday, but we're just more mindful now of each other. Yeah, you know, but that was recently a flag where we caught right away.
Speaker 1:Okay, what's another red flag?
Speaker 2:I don't know. No, I'm playing Like I don't know if everyone's like listening. Okay, what's another red flag? I don't know. No, I'm playing Like I don't know if everyone's like listening. Okay, had this thought right here. Okay, there's a bunch of red flags, right? You know one obvious one. I think people don't really like to really talk about it. It's emotional distance.
Speaker 1:Let's elaborate I think that goes into that like space, though.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what it is. It's a sense of detachment or difference towards each other, where one or both partners feel more like roommates than a couple. Yeah, that's a flag, especially in a marriage like there should be an emotional connection. There should be, like there should be this excitement or this enjoyment of the other person's um presence in the room and that intimacy emotionally connected, feeling like you love that person all the time.
Speaker 1:It's um presence in the room and that intimacy, emotionally connected, feeling like you love that person all the time it's a it's a big thing for women to feel that closeness and that emotional connection and that we, we kind of decide if we close that off or if we want to like let that connection in and I get it, man.
Speaker 2:sometimes there are days where I'm like I'll be honest with you, Like I'm not feeling you.
Speaker 1:What does that? But what does that mean? Like I'm on your nerves or like what does that mean?
Speaker 2:That's the only option.
Speaker 1:Listen, guys, when you talk to Pierre, you will find out that if he says a phrase and if I ask him to elaborate on it, he'll just look at me and be like there's no other words to say I'll be like.
Speaker 1:I'll be, like that's what I just said, right wait, we had the conversation the other day and actually it was a fight, it was an argument. But you, we, we had a discussion for like 45 minutes and the whole time you were like I can't say it any other way. These are the same four words I said at the beginning of this conversation.
Speaker 2:Like Pierre does not change his words, well, it's like I thought very intentionally of the words I wanted to use and I used my words and you're like what are you trying to say? I was like I literally don't know any other way to say it, like my vocabulary is not that you know large. So I'm like, bro, like there's no other way to say it, and you're like you're going to have to say it another way. I'm like, babe, we're going to need to call in Jesus to come down from heaven and interpret this, because I don't know no other way to say this. But yeah, I get it. Y'all. There's some days where you're just like, you're just not feeling each other, like depending on that day depending on those are the stress of life.
Speaker 2:Those aren't indicators that your relationship is failing Right, but when it's frequent, when you don't want out of it, Don't want out of what. When you don't want out of that feeling.
Speaker 1:Oh, like meaning like you're okay with it, like when the space doesn't bother you, that's very true when the space does not bother you in your relationship.
Speaker 2:Red flag, red flag, red flag.
Speaker 1:This is an issue.
Speaker 2:Your relationship is in trouble.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree with that Also. We talked about it at the beginning. But when only one of you will go to therapy, that's a huge red flag.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah man.
Speaker 1:That's a huge red flag.
Speaker 2:That's crazy. So you know, what's funny is like all these things that we're talking about and mentioning, like I've felt them before many years ago when we were struggling. Like many years ago when we were struggling, like I remember there being like emotional distance from us, yeah, and like I remember the feeling of being okay with it.
Speaker 1:Oh God, I. But I was. Sometimes I was okay with it, sometimes it wasn't. Remember that one time I was devastated. We were outside I don't remember if we were walking with the kids and you were going to walk somewhere else, like go to Target, or I was going home or whatever and I said I love you to you and you turned and walked away from me and I like started boohoo crying and you came back and said something. And you're like, and I like started boohoo crying and you came back and said something and you're like, why are you crying? And I said because I said I love you and you didn't say anything back, come to find out.
Speaker 2:I was like you didn't hear me. I was like when did you say it?
Speaker 1:But I, honestly, it was a moment that I was like that's it, we're done, Like I. It was it felt very final of like, like I said I love you, even in a tough season and it felt like you chose to not say it back to me.
Speaker 1:That's wild it but it and that hurt. But like there were times where I was okay with being mad at you. I was fine with us having distance. I was fine with like being irritated with you the whole time, like, oh, like you could just sit in it, and I feel like that's something that has changed with me as I've gotten older. I don't like that about myself and I've had other friends say that as well that the older you get, the more you're okay with sitting in that like anger and that resentment towards each other, but it's obviously a huge red flag for your, for your relationship.
Speaker 2:Anger was that. That one was the one that that bothered me. I hated feeling anger. You know, if you guys know, you guys noticed already we love the Bible and we live by the Bible. We have a biblical worldview, right? Um, we have a biblical view on our marriage, biblical view on money, biblical view on kids, um, all all the above, how we live our lives, how we love on others, what the Bible says, that's what we walk by.
Speaker 2:And one of my favorite stories in the Bible is, you know, early on, with Cain and Abel. Right, cain and Abel one brother got jealous of another brother because they both gave different offerings and one killed the other one. Right? But when God confronted Cain, he said why are you angry? Right, that's what God said to Cain. He was like why are you angry? And Cain was like well, you know, I gave you offering and you didn't accept it. And God said to him well, if you do your best, then I accept you, but he's like if you don't here's what he said. He was like he talked to God, was saying to him how this anger that you have inside of you will open yourself up for a whole nother demonic force to take hold of you right, so, like for us.
Speaker 2:We know that anger leads to sin right, anger leads a lot of times in marriages we've seen it to someone doing something that they regret. Right, anger leads a lot of times in marriages we've seen it to someone doing something that they regret. Right, anger leads to infidelity. We've seen that before. Yeah, right, I've heard stories, we've watched movies and shows where someone was just mad and upset as someone and like, oh, and I have, I have a buddy of mine, like many, their, their marriage is no longer um a thing. Right, it's completely dismantled. But I remember anger happened, jealousy happened, and one cheated on the other, literally out of spite. Anger led them to do that and that was one of the things that many years ago, when we had to go through therapy, before we went through therapy, where I started getting comfortable with the emotional distance, anger was the wedge in between me and you and every time I got angry I started to think man, man.
Speaker 1:I should just step out on her man.
Speaker 2:I just I would entertain messages on IG with other girls. That would just DM or for something completely random, right and for me I think about hmm what else? What else can we talk about? Because I was very angry with you at the time and I was okay with it. Anger, emotional distance, sitting in that emotional distance, being okay with it, is a red flag that your marriage needs help.
Speaker 1:I think, another one that can really, really poison. It is like feeling unappreciated, especially for mothers, for women, for wives. I mean no, I can't say, especially because you guys probably feel that way too, actually now that I'm saying it, right, either way, someone in marriage feeling unappreciated can really really grow that resentment.
Speaker 1:And it's the job of the other person to like acknowledge those moments, like for you, you always take care of the cars and like, or you take care of things outside of the other person. To like acknowledge those moments, like for you, that you always take care of the cars and like, or you take care of things outside of the house. Granted, we've talked about it too of like it doesn't fill my love tank, but I do see how much effort you put into it. I do appreciate what you do to think about us and to take care of us in like kind of like the, the, the little details that kind of add up the things I actually just don't think about to be honest with you, yeah, but like acknowledging it and appreciating each other in those moments it can really tear down that resentment and bring that emotional closeness together.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, another one I think is a flag too is and this one's a big one that I had to literally put in God's hand is being self-sufficient and enjoying it, flaunting it in your partner's face that you don't need them, that you can do this without them, without them. We have someone in our lives that many years ago we sat down with them and you know we're talking to them and talking to them about their relationship with their spouse and we kept on saying, we kept on hearing that person say I don't need that person, I don't need him, I don't need him, I don't need him. And we're sitting there saying, like you don't need him, like what's going on? Last thing, someone in a relationship that someone needs is to not feel needed. And imagine if I always had to talk about I was like I mean, babe, I don't really need you. Or like if we weren't together I'd be completely fine, or I can take care of myself, right, you know that's self-sufficient.
Speaker 2:Some people say, well, like you don't want to be codependent. We're not talking about codependency, we're not talking about being an enabler. We're not talking about of like narcissistic behavior and dangling certain things in front of you to where you need me. I'm not talking about that. If that's you, you need. You still need therapy too, right? But I'm talking about in a marriage where you complete me, where I'm a hundred percent whole by myself but you make me better.
Speaker 2:That not like, I don't want to imagine life without you. When you can start imagining what life would be like without the other person and you start doing stuff, you start hiding money, you start doing stuff all by yourself. Like you start no, I got it, I got it, I can take it. No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Those those I won't say are full red flags, but those are indicators that you think and feel like you can do this all by yourself. Then it makes me start to think then, why'd you get married? Was it just to have kids? Was it just for financial stability?
Speaker 2:Like, what I'm saying is is there's been times in our relationships, many years ago, before therapy, where we both, at a certain time, had to start entertaining the idea of, like, what life would be like on our own and that feeling just thinking about, like, well, I don't need, well, I could do this, I could do this all by myself. Like to me, I'm like you meditate on thoughts like that long enough. Oh for sure, pretty soon you'll get to the point where you just feel like this person. Why are they even in your life anymore?
Speaker 1:right, like you know, I'm saying yeah, when you keep saying it, of like I don't, I don't need you, some people will, of like I don't, I don't need you. Some people will be like, oh, I don't need you, but I want you, and I don't even think that that suffices.
Speaker 2:I don't feel like that's healthy either.
Speaker 1:That's just, that's just a saying like. That doesn't make it like oh, he wants me, not like nah no.
Speaker 1:Right, like I, I actually want someone to need me, to be honest with you. Like we have this culture of relationships and movies and romance and all these things. Like I want to be with someone who actually does need me, yeah, like that needs me in their life, that wants me to be there every day. Like I want that kind of thing. I don't want someone to be like I don't need you, but I, I want you.
Speaker 2:Like, nah, please, yeah, and well, and just to you know the want is is needed too, Like you want to be wanted, because wanted is more of a desire of like. No, it's a choice. Right, I feel like saying want is it's a choice. I choose you. I want you. Needing is is necessary too, as well. Needed is more of just like it's like. I can't do this without you yeah so you have to be the one.
Speaker 2:That's why I need you. But wanting is saying like, but I want you to be the one anyway right, like it's both.
Speaker 1:They both work together.
Speaker 2:Aspects yeah yeah, all right, we're gonna throw out just a few more. We're gonna throw a few more. I um, I had a few notes. I mean we can, man, we could talk about this all day long man, we really could. I mean, bro, lack of trust, right For sure. That right there, I don't think we even need to talk about that. One Avoidance is a big one, right. Avoiding spending time together, preferring to be alone or with others rather than with your spouse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that's what we talked about, of like choosing to go run errands without you. Yeah, that's that avoidance.
Speaker 2:That's like nah.
Speaker 1:I'm on my own, or, ooh, I got to go hang out with so-and-so, or I got to go over here.
Speaker 2:It's big man. It's big. We talked about it earlier. Right, it's like avoiding conversations, avoiding topics, not wanting to talk about something.
Speaker 1:That's so true.
Speaker 1:Those are flags, I think that there are some things that you can do to like in each of these there are little steps and little tools that you could do to rectify them before it's too late. Because I in the same sense of us talking about these red flags. They do not mean you're going to get a divorce. They are just flags of like hey, you need to do something to change the trajectory of where you're headed right now. And so I I heard someone the other day say, like in a healthy marriage, allowing more space to ask questions of like hey, what are you missing in this marriage right now?
Speaker 1:Actually, the person said you could not find a couple that ended up in divorce that could say they both asked each other that question. And I was like dang, that's true If we're both saying, okay, how are you feeling in this marriage and what do you need from me? Actually, I hate when you do that sometimes, where you're like we're arguing and he'll be like what do you need from me? I'm like it makes me feel like you want or something I did, but he's like yes, that was me.
Speaker 2:He's like yes, that was me. I think it's because, like you know this, I don't even have words to describe like being in a marriage, like it's not a selfish position. If you are fully selfish and only think about yourself and you don't want to consider other people, you shouldn't be in a marriage, Because in a marriage is to die to yourself. It's sacrifice, man.
Speaker 2:It's serving each other. So at the end of the day, like even earlier, we had a conversation and right away I was like okay, I'll make the change, I'll make the adjustment.
Speaker 1:And I said. My first thing I said to you is I'll try to do better on that.
Speaker 2:Right, and so that's very important. I think in relationships, in marriages, man like to have like a selfless, you know perspective is very important to make that happen, man, it's, it's big, you know. To say man, you know I've heard this in other podcasts is like to say well, I'm sorry, that's just how I am, that's just who you married. Like, it's like man, those are just ignorant statements.
Speaker 1:To say that's just who you married and a lot of those factors that we want to defend of like that's just who I am. They're actually not truly who we are. It's not our character, it's our mannerisms, it's our habits. You're not trying to change who Danny Lee is as a character. You're actually just showing a flaw of mine that I may feel like I need to defend or argue about, and it feels uncomfortable. But actually if I were to say after 14 years of marriage, I've actually grown in some spaces that I needed to, yeah, and only someone who was in love with me and could love me gently could grow me in those spaces.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and ultimately, the purpose of this podcast, um, is for us to be able to dig deep. Dig deep, not just to get through the surface, but it's go to. It's to go all the way down to the core, to where it hits your character, the motive behind why we do what we do right, the motive behind why we're in the relationships that we're in. You know, I'll share this, man. This is the last one that I'll share as far as like a red flag, um, um, um. I had two.
Speaker 1:One is the last one that you're like. Wait but two.
Speaker 2:I'm going to share this one, cause this one's a big one, um, because this happens on the outside but it really determines what's on the inside. I think it's a loss in intimacy, like loss in intimacy, yeah, like today. We was driving and I put my hand on your hand.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And to me I feel like some people are like, bro, that's really little. Well, no, because who I am? By nature I'm not a toucher, right Right. But for me I know you are and I'm close enough to you, emotionally connected enough to you, to know how much that fills your tank. And I know close enough, to you, emotionally connected enough to you, to know how much that fills your tank, and I know it did. I can feel you like all, all, all kinds of walls are coming down on her.
Speaker 1:The moment I put my hand across that, all you felt was a sigh.
Speaker 2:That sigh was a big sigh. They almost reported it as an earthquake here in California. You are so I told you guys, I already told you guys like so. But like I'm saying is like a loss. I have a hair on my face a loss in intimacy is an indicator that a relationship is struggling. It's true it may be failing especially to be okay with it and not want to talk about it. They all work together. Man, it's a big old ego system man it really is this conversation.
Speaker 2:We can go, we can talk about it day long.
Speaker 1:We could. So we just wanted to say here's some red flags, and we really truly are praying for our friend who wrote us, our sister. We're praying for your marriage, we're praying for wisdom. Get some good people around you that can walk you through the season. It's not going to be a lot of people, it's going to be one or two people that you can trust with some information like this and that they can guide you to make the right decisions for you. Because as much as God hates divorce, he also hates his daughter being in a loveless marriage and a marriage that doesn't serve her in the sense of it, doesn't bring her to her fullness, like in a marriage like that bring her to her fullness, like in a marriage like that, a woman does get broken down after a long time.
Speaker 1:Um, by not being needed by her husband in an intimate way, like that's I. I can't imagine what that does to a person's mind, spirit. Um, that's heartbreaking to me. And so, um, there are.
Speaker 1:I encourage a lot of women when I talk to them and they're in hard marriages. There's a real balance of knowing like, hey, you did get married, but is this what God has for you? Like you're a daughter of the King, there is a standard, there are certain things that he would want for you, and there are biblical reasons that give you a reason that you can leave. And so I would just really encourage you to find those good people around you, one or two women maybe they're older than you that can really really walk you through this season of what it looks like and what can be the best decision for you and your husband, because the number one greatest outcome would be restoration. But if that's not available, okay, what's next? And so we're really truly praying for you Thank you for trusting us and sending us that fan mail and for all of you. If you guys are going through something or you are in a tough season, we would love to hear from you, we would love to encourage you and pray for you as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm going to talk to the fellas real quick, just for a minute. Fellas, it's time for us to man up, it's time for us to be men. It's time for us to be the leaders of our household, the leaders of our relationships. Now, it's not some kingship, right? It's not some situation where you get to be the boss, matter of fact. You get to be the servant of the house. You get to serve your wives. You get to serve your children. You get to serve those that are around you.
Speaker 2:Jesus said this. He said if you want to be the greatest among your people, serve them as if you were their slave. Jesus was like I didn't come to be served, I came to serve. The king of kings stepped down off of his throne all to be lowered and to serve the people. So to accept the calling of being a man, to be the priest, to be the leader of your household. It's not about bossing people around, it's about serving them.
Speaker 2:If your wife feels like there's distance there, if you're dating and you feel like you haven't been able to work things out with your significant other, with your girl, bro, step up, man. Ask better questions, ask your girl, ask your wife what do you need from me? What are you noticing from me? Anything that you need for me to adjust right. Because, at the end of the day, man, we are the ones that we're the ones with the shoulders for her to cry on.
Speaker 2:We are the ones that most people always grew up saying they had daddy issues. There's a few people, there's a small percentage of people, that say they had mommy issues. It's daddy issues. Why is that the case? Because more is expected of us men to serve those that are around us, and so I want to encourage every single one of you guys that are in relationships right now man, step up to it. Man, be the leader that God has called you to be. Like my wife just said, step up to it, man. Be the leader that God has called you to be. Like my wife just said find some therapy, find a pastor, find a leader, find accountability, and let's do life so much better, man. Life gets better, man, when relationships do so. We love you guys, we love y'all. No-transcript.
