What Type Of Sex Is Ok In Marriage? | A Biblical Perspective of Intimacy

Can the boundaries of marital intimacy be pushed too far? Join us as we unravel the misconceptions and taboos surrounding what types of sex are permissible within marriage. Using our own journey and experiences as a backdrop, we dive into the influence of church teachings on our beliefs about the marriage bed being "undefiled." From the impact of pornography and the allure of adultery to the temptations of spousal swapping and threesomes, we share our candid reflections on navigating these complex issues while staying true to our values and beliefs.

Ever wondered how introducing certain elements like porn or sex toys can affect your marriage? We tackle this head-on by exploring the pitfalls and complexities these practices bring into intimate relationships. Highlighting the detrimental effects on both individuals and the marriage as a whole, we debunk the myth that anything agreed upon is permissible in the marital bed. Our discussion emphasizes the importance of open communication and mutual respect, cautioning against practices that undermine the sanctity of marriage and go against spiritual beliefs and God's original design.

As we conclude, we stress the crucial need for mutual consent and transparency in marital intimacy. Addressing the harmful impacts of pornography, we urge couples to maintain openness and ensure both partners feel safe and respected. Crucially, we underscore the absolute wrongness of non-consensual sex, reinforcing that marital rape is contrary to God's design for marriage. We wrap up with a call to engage in meaningful dialogue, nurture relationships, and deepen faith connections, while introducing our new Life Collection inspired by 2 Corinthians 5:17. It's not just fashion—it's a testimony.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Boundaries of Married Intimacy
• 8:20 Exploring Taboos in Marital Intimacy
• 15:21 Navigating Marital Intimacy With Clarity
• 23:02 Engaging in Meaningful Relationship Dialogue

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What's up everybody? Welcome to let's Dig the Podcast. So the big question for today for us is what type of sex is allowed in the marriage bed. What type of sex is allowed in marriage in our bedroom? Matter of fact, we only do-.

Speaker 2: 0:15

It's a heavy question.

Speaker 1: 0:16

It's a heavy question. We only do two things in our bed.

Speaker 2: 0:19

Two S's.

Speaker 1: 0:20

We only do two things in our bed. We're gonna have this conversation real quick, and this is honestly a segue from our last two conversations. We've been talking about just how God sees marriage when it comes to being a wife, when it comes to being a husband. You know, we even talked about our body and what does that look like when it comes to initiating sex, everything that leads up into it, right. And now I really want us to kind of go a little deeper of that next phase, of when it's actually when we get to that next level of intimacy, right when we're in the bed, in the bedroom, like. I know that there's a lot of couples that struggle in this category and they just don't like talking about it. We've been talking about it because we made a lot of errors. We made a lot of mistakes. You know, today I want to talk about a few things I want to talk about, you know, what does it look like to have conversations about porn?

Speaker 2: 1:11

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:12

You know, there's all the types of adultery, like when it comes to spousal swapping, or how about people who talk about threesomes Threesomes For a period of time when we first got married, we thought we were free to do anything, and we entertain a lot of those. Some of those, we've done some. I'm going to tell you guys what we've done in our early stage of marriage, but you ready?

Speaker 2: 1:37

Yeah, let's dig. Let's dig so the other day I was telling someone about how we you always say that, like the bedroom is only for two S's, and I was talking to this friend and I was telling her about like man, sometimes though I just want to watch TV and eat a snack in bed, and she was like oh, that's the other S and I was like no, but I think we should add so three S's sleeping, sex and snacking. Okay, I'm sorry, guys, she gave it away in a horrible way so.

Speaker 2: 2:02

I always say sleeping, sex and snacking.

Speaker 1: 2:04

Okay, I'm sorry guys, she gave it away in a horrible way. So I always say I always say, hey, in our bedroom we want to do two things, and they both start with an S. That's kind of how I always say it. Yes, you always say that I always say it like that In our bedroom we do two things and they both start with an.

Speaker 2: 2:20

S. So we don't have a TV in our room and I feel like sometimes I just want to lay in my TV or lay in my bed, watch TV and have a snack.

Speaker 1: 2:27

And so she gave it to you guys really quick. She just threw it in there, our bed, we do two things in it. All right, they both start with an S. All right, try to imagine, try to guess. But I was going to say that. But she already threw it in, plus a third one, like okay, I thought it was cute, I thought it makes sense it does make sense but you just want to eat snacks in bed. I love it, bro. I'm like you gave away the two. S's so quick, so fast.

Speaker 2: 2:51

Like I didn't know we were holding it as a secret. It's not a secret. We talk.

Speaker 1: 2:56

I'm talking about. Let's lead up to it anyways, it's fine, let's talk are you sure you start over?

Speaker 2: 3:01

no, we're not gonna start over, unless you want to listen, guys, this is how it my brain and his brain work so differently. And we think like OK, we have a plan, this is what it is. But when I talk about something different than his perspective or how he would lead up to it, then he's like wait, what are you doing? And I'm like we talked about this.

Speaker 1: 3:21

I know we talked about it and our style of communication is so different. It's so different To me. I'm like I want to lead up into it and like drop the bomb. You're opposite. You just drop the bomb and then explain on the back end. So it's fine, I love you and we both have our different styles of communication, Right? So that's fine.

Speaker 2: 3:40

And we didn't talk. And this is how we say the two S's which?

Speaker 1: 3:44

I did not know you were going to talk about it, because that's typically my thing, so I didn't know you was hey guys. So Pierre has this thing. He says I don't need two S's in the bedroom. I'm like what? I don't say that it's fine. Okay, types of sex Okay. So the in marriage in first Corinthians we talked about it. How it's not our own. Once we get married it belongs to the spouse. But, um, we've been talking about that and early on in our marriage we've made some mistakes, right. We've entertained some things that, let's say, the Bible wasn't really clear about, right, so we thought we were just free to do it.

Speaker 2: 4:20

Right Cause we thought that inside the confines of marriage that you, you got to explore so much more things. I mean, even if any of you listening grew up in church culture, you always heard the bedroom is undefiled, like as it's like a scripture. But I didn't understand or comprehend what that word undefiled meant. And it actually means untainted, like the like it's used in this phrase of like girl, you can do anything you want to.

Speaker 2: 4:53

The marriage bed is undefiled, and that was like the connotation of how it was said in church culture. But and that led to us kind of thinking like, oh well, once we get married we can do whatever we want to, we have a ring, here we go. But I didn't, it was ignorance. Honestly, I didn't realize that that word undefiled in the Hebrew, in the Greek, in the context of what is used in the Bible, actually means untainted and I thought that was really really like such a misconception of how we are taught about marriage in a biblical perspective and how marriage is approached in a biblical like perspective and how we build this marriage.

Speaker 1: 5:37

Yeah, when we first got married, I remember thinking, okay, we're married, now we can do whatever we want to do. So a few things that we realized early on was you know, when it comes to adultery right, the Bible talks about adultery you know to not commit it, and what does that even look like. You know, and you think, okay, it's. You know to not have sex with a person that's not your wife, right, but it's really having sex with someone that that it belongs to somebody else, also someone that's not your wife, which is the same exact thing. What I'm saying is, like, growing up and getting married, you kind of blurred the lines, thinking of just like what if the other person gave you their wife?

Speaker 2: 6:19

I seriously.

Speaker 1: 6:20

That's what I'm saying. So you start finding all these loopholes. The Bible doesn't talk about spousal swapping. So you start thinking like. You start thinking like well, what if both couples have an agreement of like hey, we want to spice things up, which all that is? It's, it's all demonic just it really is like how it's all influenced.

Speaker 1: 6:38

But what I'm saying is like the trick that you play in your mind of, like, what the bible doesn't clearly say doesn't use the word spousal swapping, right, but it's. It's still adultery and it is prohibited is for us to not commit adultery, right, spousal swap swapping is not allowed in the bedroom and early on in our marriage. We, you know, we had some friends in our lives, some couples, that once we'd go out to dinner and we would start laughing and entertaining the idea, but then trying to see, like, are you guys joking? Who's joking? Kind of funny, but that'd be crazy though. Huh, and like you know, these ideas and these thoughts in which I realized opened up our minds to be influenced by these dark thoughts.

Speaker 2: 7:21

Yeah, it's true.

Speaker 1: 7:22

And you find find yourself. You find yourself either during the day or or at night. Whatever. We've both, early on in our marriage, like had to confess to each other that we've had dreams about someone else's spouse. Yep, and I think okay, how did that even happen? Right, who opened that?

Speaker 1: 7:38

up yeah you know what I mean. And then and then, even in the topic of okay threesomes, first of all it's it's a type of sex we do not have. Nope, we don't do. The Bible comes against it, because it's still having sexual intercourse or intimacy with someone that's not your spouse Right. But early on in our marriage we've entertained it. Yep, we've had conversations.

Speaker 2: 8:02

And like sitting here even now I'm like, what are we thinking Like? How do we even have those conversations Like? But I think we were just so young and naive and honestly I think a lot of it was we took for granted how fragile marriage really is. Now, sitting here going through what we've gone through, seeing how many couples didn't make it and are not sitting here at this point, I don't think we had the knowledge and like character to know like hey, that is literally screaming for an opportunity for your marriage to break up in all sorts of ways Like there's 7,000 ways that it could have affected our marriage negatively and I think it was just literally asking for it, but not understanding that when you start a marriage, you just think you're going to make it forever.

Speaker 1: 8:58

Yeah, and you just think like wow, okay, we're finally married, we can finally have sex.

Speaker 2: 9:03

It's our body.

Speaker 1: 9:04

Let's have fun, we could do whatever we want to do with it, and this honestly ruins intimacy. It ruins the connection between a spouse and it's a door to divorce. It really is. It's a door to, first of all, you all. You become unclean. You know you're going against god's laws, right, god's rules. And you know, for us, we didn't know at that stage, but when we first started, you know, when we first started having sex and we started thinking about ways to spice things up, right, you know. Even porn, right, that's that is that fantasizing? That's a form of adultery. I heard one person call it virtual adultery, right?

Speaker 1: 9:43

It's fantasizing, it's like in your mind. You know, we've thought about implementing that in our marriage early on and we actually felt and we did early on in our marriage, and a lot of times it comes from us men who did it. You know, I remember I struggled with porn for a point in time in my life and it's something that we think okay, even after marriage. How can we do it to spice it up? And it's all.

Speaker 1: 10:07

First of all, it's all demonic, and then it's introduced to the wife, and the wife you want to be so supportive, you don't want to feel like you're letting the husband down. We find a way to manipulate you and trick you on how to do it or how to watch it, right, and now you find yourself doing it, implementing it, watching it before we get intimate yeah, right. And then in our minds you find yourself watching or thinking of those people that you were watching, while you're actually having sex with your spouse. It's all messed up. It's a type. These are types of sex that we do not allow into our bedroom. We've entertained them before and it was a door to ruining our marriage that we had to clean up early on. Yeah, wild huh.

Speaker 2: 10:48

It is crazy. I think a lot of it, too, is part of us growing up in the church and being taught that all of those things were so bad, and so when we got married, we're just like let's explore all these other things, not realizing the weight of them, and like even porn, like the way it just gets into your brain, the things that it does to you chemically the endorphins, the dopamine, like they literally liken it to a drug addiction. And then that once you see one thing that's not enough, so you need to amp it up, you need to get a stronger. Or a bit like just's not enough, so you need to amp it up, you need to get a stronger. Or a bit like just how a drug you need a bigger hit, you need a stronger hit is the same thing with porn and it literally can be so like self-consuming and I, I it. Just it really is like a gateway to so many other demonic things and it really is just tainting the original purpose of what God designed our marriage to be and to look like.

Speaker 1: 11:45

Yeah, yeah, and I remember too when we first got married and years into our marriage we started, and I don't even want to say we got bored right, it's more just, you think we are free and in marriages it is freedom. As long as we both have an understanding and agreement, then we're good, which is a lie, which is not true, cause there's some things that is still unclean for us to do in our marriage and it goes against the covenant, it goes against original design from God when it comes to our marriage and our sex life, and I remember early on, like us, even talking about, okay, what about toys? What about a certain types of lingeries? What about you know, um, things that you could implement to spice it up? And, yeah, the Bible is not really clear about you know, uh, sex toys.

Speaker 2: 12:38

It says in it says in Solomon don't go to the toy store.

Speaker 1: 12:42

Yeah, it doesn't say like don't use the ropes, the chains, the plugs, the swings, the bats, the tennis rackets, the baseballs, like what you doing with the baseball in the bedroom, what?

Speaker 2: 12:57

in the world is wrong with you. No, it does not give us clarification.

Speaker 1: 13:02

It doesn't. So, you know, then it makes me think okay, out of respect and honor, we should have conversations about it, right? You know, it was wild too. I remember, when we first got married, like there were certain things about it that we just couldn't talk about, Like even certain positions.

Speaker 2: 13:43

I'm not going to name some right now, but there were certain positions that like like we wouldn't do, or abuse, like all this conversation is so important because all of those things influence what I am willing to or what I'm not willing to, or what I'm comfortable when I'm not comfortable, or what makes it feel good or what doesn't make this feel good, like there's so many things and it's really dependent on our experiences that impact that and make those decisions good or bad, or yes or no, or whatever that looks like.

Speaker 1: 14:10

Cause at the end of the day, if it's you and I in the bedroom and, like I said it earlier or actually Danley said it, I say this all the time I only do two things in our bed. There's only two things that the bed was made for, in my opinion, and they both start with an S One is sex and one is sleeping. No, it's not snacks. You want roaches to come and bugs to come and find you what you got snacks in your bed. For no judgment to people who do that. There's only two things that I feel like a bed is made for sleeping and and sexing.

Speaker 1: 14:47

Wow, but what I'm saying is okay, this episode's not about sleeping. So we're gonna talk about the main s, right, we're gonna talk about sex. So then we start think, we start thinking about okay, what about certain types of positions, what certain types of sex? Okay, when it comes to like oral, all these different type of things, people say, I know church people that say oral sexist is not of god, right, or it's not allowed, or it's a sin, right, right, or or the other place where you can go ahead and poke stuff. You know, I'm saying your ear, I'm playing, I'm playing.

Speaker 2: 15:18

You tried to make it better and you made it worse.

Speaker 1: 15:21

Some people are just like oh, the ear is wrong. Like buddy, what are you doing in the ear? What are you doing in the ear? I think that's not even healthy. Like someone's going to have hearing loss.

Speaker 2: 15:35

I'm not talking to you, I'm just going to talk to our listeners here and my camera, because I'm not talking to him.

Speaker 2: 15:42

I do think, though, like even just hearing that definition of undefiled, it puts a completely different filter on all of the things that can come into the bedroom and what you can do in the bedroom and what you can choose in the bedroom and what you can wear in the bedroom and what you can bring into the bedroom. You can choose in the bedroom and what you can wear in the bedroom and what you can bring into the bedroom, all of those things, like filtering it through, like does this line up with that definition of um untainted? Like does that, does this fall in that category of? This is not tainting what God designed sex in a marriage to be? Yeah, and then knowing, like you know, okay, if the Bible doesn't say it blatantly, you can assume that you could, but then you need to have the conversation between the two of us. Is this a green light or red light? And then I really love the other perspective of saying, like does this bring us closer?

Speaker 1: 16:40

Yeah, it's like is this helping our marriage Right, or is it hurting our marriage?

Speaker 2: 16:46

Right.

Speaker 1: 16:46

Those are questions I would encourage everyone to really ask when it comes to your sex life and marriage, of just like, okay, we're going to implement this new position, we're going to implement this type of of sex. Right, you know, asking questions like, okay, where do we, where did you get this from right? I think that's a very important, um, um honest question that can be asked. What influenced?

Speaker 2: 17:12

that yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:12

So if I come to the bed and say, hey, I want to try this thing, yeah, I think you should be able to ask me say okay, where'd this come from? Yeah where'd you get it from? There was times early on in our marriage right, where porn was being watched between us secretly, right, and then we found out that, oh snap, you're watching, you're watching. So then we go into the bedroom yeah and I'm like y'all want to try this thing yeah and then you're like where'd you get it from?

Speaker 1: 17:37

yeah and then being transparent like that, and then years later on into our marriage still, porn was still having some type of effect in our marriage, to the point where, like, there'd be a night we'd have sex and be one of the best ones we had that month. And you asked me sure, do you would ask me, did you watch porn today?

Speaker 2: 17:55

uh-huh, I'm like where did that come from? Did you watch?

Speaker 1: 17:58

that's, that's messed up and no, I didn't Right, but it was an influence early on in our marriage. So now I think asking questions like okay, where'd you get this from? Why are we doing this, and will this bring us closer, will this help? Or I heard another person say is this helping or hindering?

Speaker 2: 18:17

It's good.

Speaker 1: 18:18

Those are things to think about. You know what I'm?

Speaker 2: 18:19

saying and I think a lot of it goes back to what you oftentimes it's the husband trying to influence the wife to try more things or do more things or come out of their comfort zone.

Speaker 2: 18:33

And this goes back to women. You have to speak up, you have to use your voice, you have to say I'm not comfortable or that doesn't feel like it helps us. I feel like that is more, you know, hurtful to our marriage, to our connection. Um, there's so much importance in both voices being heard, um, because it is more often that a husband would influence his wife to hey, try this thing, hey try that thing. You know, like whatever, and and it's so important that we speak that truth and and are really, really grounded in what things feel good and feel safe for us. And then, while we're in this topic, the other one that does not happen and that shouldn't happen in anyone's bedroom is rape, and that is a no-go that the Bible says. Everything that you do in a marriage should be consensual and it has to have approval from both persons that there is no place for a man to think he has.

Speaker 1: 19:32

You know that control over his wife's body, like we said in the last episode and you're just going to take sex. That's rape, my guy.

Speaker 2: 19:40

And that's not okay. It's not okay, Never okay and vice versa not to be sexist and think that it only happens one way it happens both ways more so on one side than the other, but it can happen both ways and it's just not okay. No matter what like consensual is a baseline.

Speaker 1: 19:57

Yeah. So rape is not okay. You don't just take sex from your spouse, right, like some, and some dudes get off on that. Some dudes enjoy it. There's a thrill about taking it and you're sick If you. First of all, if you do that and let us know who you are, I want to pray for you, but it's not allowed. You know that's it. It's it. It goes against the will of god. Yeah, right, we talked about that. So, like adultery, right, spousal swapping, we said that threesomes, things like that, porn is the number one thing that I would say please, guys, everyone that's listening, men, women, you do not bring it into the bedroom, in the marriage bed. You do not. It can ruin your marriage. It has you in a place where you're now having sex with your spouse, but in your mind you're having sex with someone else.

Speaker 1: 20:41

It opens up the door for demons. Then you find yourself at night. You're like, okay, I was having sex with some type of weird demon in my dreams because you opened up a portal, you got involved with sex, fantasizing and porn. All that stuff. It's fake, bro. It's actors, it's a production. Right, it's production.

Speaker 2: 20:58

It is not real.

Speaker 1: 20:59

They're editing it. Here and there they're on all types of pills and stuff like that. To keep going, bro, why do you want to go for 45 minutes? Oh my gosh, like I'm trying to go to sleep right now, I'm tired.

Speaker 2: 21:13

What in the?

Speaker 1: 21:14

world, but it's bro. It ruins marriages, and so the things that the Bible aren't you know isn't clear about when it comes to like oral and these positions, things like that.

Speaker 1: 21:27

I believe it's between the man and the woman for us to come with a clean, pure heart yeah, not influenced by the world I believe it's between the man and the woman for us to come with a clean, pure heart yeah, not influenced by the world Right To come and say, hey, can we try this thing? For the one person to say, okay, where'd you get this from? And then for us to say, I feel like it'll be closer, we'll make us closer, I feel like this could be really cool, or like. Or let's say we say, hey, I've been getting bored. There's been times you've come to me and said, all right, I'm getting a little bored.

Speaker 1: 21:50

That thing that you do is nice, I like it, but you need one or two more. So, all right, I start thinking about it, I start stretching, I change my whole gym plan just so I can make my leg go over here and this side I'm playing. But hey, there's a new one that I added to the repertoire in the last few months and it's like Gym workout no no, you're talking about a gym workout.

Speaker 1: 22:13

No, I'm talking.

Speaker 2: 22:13

You're talking about a gym workout.

Speaker 1: 22:14

I'm talking about the first S. Yeah, there's a new and it's all me. I do all the work, you just enjoy it. You need. That new position you saying is like it was not influenced by nobody, right, it was not influenced by porn. I've been set free from that many years. Yeah, it was all influenced by I just love you and we talked about it last week seeking to desire yeah or the desire seeking to give pleasure to the spouse yeah, to serve each other to serve each other, to please each other, and to me I'm like, I'm thinking what are more ways, more things that I can do?

Speaker 1: 22:48

so it came with the pure heart and our sex life has gotten better and it's still better. It's still better. I mean 14 years later. And it's boy, it's good.

Speaker 2: 22:56

It's good.

Speaker 1: 22:57

It's good, but we had to clean it up.

Speaker 2: 22:58

That's true.

Speaker 1: 22:59

We had to clean it up. That's true. That's wild. Hey, if you guys are liking this conversation, you guys already know what to do hit that button like right here on youtube subscribe if you're enjoying this. If you feel like this conversation is good for you and your spouse, send this to them right now. Message us back. You guys already know. Hit that link right there. It's available in the description. You can send us a text message also. By the way, you guys see the shirt that I'm rocking.

Speaker 2: 23:24

If you guys do not, know it is so good this is our new collection.

Speaker 1: 23:28

This is the new life collection. As you can see, it says old and it says new. Basically, this is 2 Corinthians 5, verse 17. This means that anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The old life is gone and the new life has begun. This is our story. This is our testimony. Use it as a tool to tell someone about Jesus. We love you guys. Man, we're so grateful. Are we done talking right now? I think so. I think we hit all the points. I'm hungry.

Speaker 2: 23:54

I gotta get lunch, okay, and we got to go pick up Jordan from school, School's back in session y'all. So now we're going to end our sessions like this Yo guys, legit, hit us up.

Speaker 1: 24:01

Hit us up. Let us know if this conversation is bringing value to you. You guys already know we say this all the time. The purpose is not to go viral, the purpose is to give value, and so life gets so much better when relationships do your relationship with God, your relationship with others and your relationship with yourself. So I want to encourage you guys keep on digging.

Speaker 2: 24:21

Let's dig.