LET'S DIG | Pierre & Danilee Aristil
Pierre and Danilee Aristil let you in on their personal chats. Inspiring you to DIG deeper relationships with God, yourself and others.
Jesus said, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind… and equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”
- Matthew 22:37-39
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LET'S DIG | Pierre & Danilee Aristil
What We Discovered about Our Sex Life after Many Years of Marriage
As we ventured through the uncharted terrain of intimacy within our marriage, it became clear that the vows we exchanged were just the beginning of a complex journey. Our latest episode is a raw and revealing exploration of how we navigated the thorny issues of sexual health and expectations, casting off society's pressures and the shadows that pornography can cast on a sacred bond. We lay ourselves bare, sharing the steps we took to communicate more openly and shift from unhealthy patterns to a vibrant and respectful connection behind closed doors.
The media landscape can play a surprisingly influential role in shaping our views on marital sex, and we dive into that impact with unflinching honesty. From the hidden messages in popular TV shows to the more overt intrusion of adult content, we discuss how we steered our relationship back to a place of health by reassessing our media diet and engaging in heartfelt dialogue about our desires and boundaries. Our personal accounts aim to inspire you to scrutinize your own media consumption and find freedom in talking openly about your intimate life with your partner.
Relationships are the cornerstone of our lives, and in this episode, we reach out to those looking to fortify their own marital ties. While we're not therapists, our commitment to sharing our story is rooted in the belief that it can help others. We reflect on the beauty of connections—whether with a partner, a higher power, or within ourselves—and how they shape the fabric of our daily lives. If you're searching for solidarity, guidance, or a space for reflection on the role of intimacy in marriage, we invite you to join us on this journey of discovery and healing.
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If I asked you what does a healthy sex life look inside of a marriage? What does that look like? What do you think of?
Speaker 2:First of all, I think that's a big question to ask. It's a huge question Even on this whole topic of sex and marriage, just because of the world that we live in, because of how we started and how, when we first got married, what we thought about it and the last 14 years of the rollercoaster in our sex life as a healthy married couple, which we weren't always healthy. We're healthy now, but we weren't always healthy. So let me ask this question one more time. Just make sure we're on the same page. You're asking me what do I think sex should look like in a healthy marriage? Yep exactly.
Speaker 2:Or what should it feel like?
Speaker 1:no, but no well I mean I'll leave and look like okay right, okay, all right, what's up? Y'all, we're so glad you have joined us for this conversation. It's gonna get a little deep. We're gonna talk about some things, but I mean we're gonna have a real conversation about sex and marriage, real conversation.
Speaker 1:But our goal, honestly, is to not be vulgar, it is to be vulnerable, and we feel like this conversation isn't had enough and so it's not an easy conversation to have on a platform like this. It's like my hands are sweating a little bit.
Speaker 2:And there are a lot of great conversations that are out there right now on YouTube. We've watched quite a bit. We've listened to other podcasters and other people that we look up to and respect and we've listened to their take on sex in a marriage and some of it has helped us out. And so this is our conversations in our household, things that we've discovered how we've overcome in our situation. And sex hasn't always been the same in our marriage. It hasn't always been the same. It's actually changed a lot over the last few years, I'd say over the last three, four years. It's changed so much.
Speaker 2:And it's not what I ever thought it would be and I'm not going to lie. We get married and you think like, oh man, I'm going to have sex with the same person for the rest of my life and that thought is crazy to think.
Speaker 1:But you know, it's blown our mind of where we, where we've come in our sex life. So I'm cool with it, man, let's dig, let's dig. So what were some of the things that you came into when you got married, like what you thought marriage would look like at the beginning.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's why you would. First of all, because that's a hard question to answer. You just asked me two big questions at the top of this conversation.
Speaker 1:What else do you want? This is the conversation.
Speaker 2:We both came into our marriage with a bunch of baggage. I think what was tough was we didn't really talk about what we thought in our mind towards each other what sex would look like.
Speaker 1:That's true, we didn't talk about it. I you know especially, and then being raised in the church world, in the church world.
Speaker 2:You did not talk about sex, that puts a whole nother layer on it. You did not talk about sex. You talked about purity. We talked about abstaining from sex, not having anything to do with it, and then one day, when you become someone's spouse, you're supposed to give it all up to them.
Speaker 1:I think that is one of the hardest things for women in church as followers of Jesus, that we are taught to like shove all that sexuality down, like turn it off, don't pay attention to it, don't listen to it, and then all of a sudden get married and turn it all on and have sex whenever your husband asks for it, I mean in the Bible, even talks about how.
Speaker 2:in Corinthians, you know, Paul talks about how your body don't even belong to you anymore.
Speaker 1:That's crazy, both ways. Both ways, husband and wife both ways.
Speaker 2:So to get married, going into marriage with that thought of like, okay, her body doesn't belong to her, marriage with that thought of like, okay, her body doesn't belong to her, it's mine. My body don't belong to me, it's hers. We're one now and I'm supposed to think that you're thinking everything I'm thinking when it comes to sex, you know. And then you know, I'll be honest with you. Babe, when we got married, like I, I thought I had a good understanding of what sex should be like. Like I wasn't into porn or anything like that I'll say this and we'll talk about this later.
Speaker 2:Porn really didn't enter my life into after marriage. That's so crazy. Porn didn't enter my life into after marriage. That's crazy. And so we go into this thinking like, okay, anything that I thought about sex or anything that I thought about girls or anything like that, I'm going to do it all to my wife, right? You know? And I remember we had some weird awkward moments when we talked about it. I mean even honeymoon night. First of all, honeymoon night we didn't even have sex. We went to sleep because we were tired and we both were sick.
Speaker 1:We only had three hours.
Speaker 2:And we both were sick.
Speaker 1:We were sick on our wedding day.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's talk about that. We went to. I'm going to answer your question a little bit later. I know some people listening like, hey, he didn't even answer the question of what did he bring into it. I'll tell you what I brought into it. I brought into it nothing. Nothing because no one told me anything about sex. No one told me anything about um, on what it would look like in the context of marriage. So I came into it thinking it's a big mess. I came into it thinking like, yes, I can get sex anytime I want. It don't matter what day it is, it doesn't matter if she's awake or if she's asleep, that's wrong.
Speaker 1:That's what I thought when we first like. You know what I mean, that's true.
Speaker 2:And then and then I thought I'll say this too. I thought, when we got married, I thought that, you know, there would not be any morning breath or that everything would always be nice and peachy and rosy all the time. And I could just be like knock, knock, and you'd be like who's there? I'd be like daddy, let's go.
Speaker 1:I did think that sex life would be easy Like that. The hard part was to not have sex before you get married. But the easy part is, once you get married you get to have sex, and that I never thought that there would be so many ebbs and flows of what season you're in, what like pregnancy looks like after babies. Like I never knew that it would actually take so much effort on my part, even down to you know, sex is made for three things it is made for a physical connection and an emotional connection and a spiritual connection, and I never knew how much work it would cause, like in my emotions and in my spiritual side, to like forgive, to let walls down. That walls down.
Speaker 1:Like it is a constant job, I feel like for women, or at least for me, to like make sure I put my walls down when it comes to you, when I am hurt, and I tell you because I can, you could do something that accidentally hurt my feelings and you won't know it, it wasn't intentional. But until I tell you, guess what? I'm, I'm not wanting to have sex with you. So I have to tell you. I have to put those walls down, I have to forgive. Um, we talked about it in another episode a few weeks ago of like going to bed together, that a lot of times that's when I'll open up or I'll share something with you, and so it is so that we can have that emotional connection, that spiritual connection, and then the physical connection is the benefit of it. Yeah, but I didn't realize how much work would go into it.
Speaker 2:It's a lot of work. I don't honestly think we had conversation about sex until I mean, I'd say, a year or so into our marriage. Yeah, probably. We just didn't talk about it, we just did it.
Speaker 1:It's very true.
Speaker 2:We just did it, and if it was awkward, if it didn't make sense or one enjoyed it, the other one didn't enjoy it, we just didn't really talk about it and there was no one to talk about it to. There was no spaces or environments to comfortably talk about, especially for us being in the church world. You just don't talk about it. And then unfortunately and I know it's changing, but unfortunately it's changing now, but unfortunately then 15 years ago like people didn't openly talk about their marriage problems and situations in the church.
Speaker 2:So you just would look to people, you would look to your leaders and you just think they were all good, but they weren't telling you. You weren't telling. We all just showed up. Hey, how you doing Good, you guys good, yeah, we're good, we're good. Everybody good, we're good, everybody good.
Speaker 1:Good, I well, less than highly favored, we're all good, yeah well, dane, I guess we're all good, but then that made us think that we're broken, because we walked into the place thinking like but we're not good but we're not good or I don't get it, or I mean, for me it was a big process and a big journey coming from the purity stages of growing up in that purity culture, and I did have a purity ring from my parents and all these things, and then I get married. So then I think I'm actually supposed to pull all these other outside influences that are out in the world. I'm supposed to bring that home.
Speaker 1:The good old saying I think a wise man wrote it one time. It said a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Like that's what I thought I was supposed to be. Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's crazy.
Speaker 1:And I didn't know that those were actually outside influences as well, and that the world will always tell us a perverted version of what God created. And I think that's where we were. We didn't have the knowledge to decipher that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we didn't talk about it, like we didn't really have moments. I do remember us, you know, a few years into it, I mean, and then just getting married and you know the world that we live in, I mean, it's so many, so much is implied, think about it. Bridal showers what type of gifts are bringing, are brought to bridal showers?
Speaker 1:for sure. I mean there was one that I got gifted. I mean I got a few like outfits and things like that, and I remember one of the outfits I wore for you one time and it completely changed my view of you. Yeah, because I met you in bible college. I met you as a musician in the church, I met you on staff and then that one time I wore the gift from my bridal shower and I remember saying, like you're different, so think about this so here. We have changed so much.
Speaker 2:So here we have it You're getting married. You're not sure what sex is supposed to be like. You have in your mind what you think it should be. You're brought a shower. All the gifts are implying something, Not all the gifts majority, Most of them yeah. Yeah, most of the gifts are implying something.
Speaker 2:For sure so now you're getting these gifts. We're not going to list the gifts, right, because this is not for you guys to take your imagination a bunch of places and take your mind off what we're talking about. But you get all these gifts from all these special secret places that you almost even feel embarrassed opening it up.
Speaker 1:For sure.
Speaker 2:And then you bring it home. We get married. I pull out this drawer. I'm like yo, what's all this stuff?
Speaker 1:I mean, that's part of the fun of a bridal shower, is that like, oh my gosh, we get to celebrate, this girl gets to take care of business? It's part of that like becoming womanhood. But I really wish that there was more conversation, or that young girls I mean I was 22, right, I think I was 22 and got married. Like you know, no one said like or not that I could remember Maybe somebody did, but I didn't walk in there knowing like, hey, here's what you should do for your husband, here's where the lines are for you to draw for you. You know, like deeper, real conversations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there were no conversations of like yo, this is all fun and games, we're playing around with these toys and things like that. But for real, though, have a conversation with your husband, put this stuff in front of him and say, hey, babe, what do you think about this little toy, this little thing right here, this little whip, this plug whatever. Oh wait, I said I wasn't going to list anything, babe.
Speaker 1:I said we are not being vulgar, yeah my bad, my bad.
Speaker 2:I just saw it. I just literally saw it from 10, 15 years ago. But we? So now we get married and I see all these things and in my head I'm thinking like the one that we've shut down for 20 years of our life, because we grew up in church. And then, because we had no guide, we just thought you know what, we're married, now we can do all the things we're going to list all the things.
Speaker 1:It was literally like we can do whatever we want.
Speaker 2:So, guys, whatever you're thinking of, like, what did they do? Unfortunately, I say unfortunately we did because we were young, naive, didn't know.
Speaker 1:So we laid out.
Speaker 2:You don't know what they're thinking some of them are thinking like what did they do?
Speaker 1:okay, we never let anybody into our marriage. I feel like that. Let's pause, very clear let's pause, so whatever.
Speaker 2:So there are a lot of things that we either did, tried, considered, entertained, talked about, like there's stuff we talked about, it's true, we, we I mean we messed up so much things about our marriage at the beginning when it came to our sexuality, like it is literally by the grace of god that we stand here today restored and sex is better now than it's ever been in our whole marriage and we still have the best years to come, because the facts are by research, year 15 to year 20 is the best years of a healthy marriage.
Speaker 1:Well, baby.
Speaker 2:We in year 14 right now, so next year.
Speaker 2:We're just on the edge it's gonna be popping off next year but when we first got married? So we're young, we're naive, we have no knowledge of of sex, other than what the world tells us sex should be right. So now, one day, we have this bright idea which not a bright idea, but we're sitting there, we're like we don't talk about it. So we just start talking about everything. Right, all these toys are laid out. Right, we've been married for months. We start talking about well, how do we even use these toys?
Speaker 2:that opens the door to porn yeah and that's what that happened, that happened to in our marriage. So now here we are, young naive. Here we're watching porn together. Now, as a newlywed, no conviction, we didn't feel bad about it right.
Speaker 1:We had no one to talk about it. We thought that under the covering of marriage, it was good we could do whatever we want to do.
Speaker 2:Hey, that's my body, slash your body. That's your body, slash my body. We all want to write. Write. If I'm good, you're good. So now we start watching these things, entertaining things. We would watch these things before we go to bed. That opened up so much darkness when it came to our marriage, and I think that's one of the reasons why our marriage struggled for a few years yeah, for several years, because what we opened it up to we I mean we we started going to strip clubs.
Speaker 1:We did.
Speaker 2:Let's talk about that for a moment, cause some of y'all thinking like, oh my. God I can't believe they did that.
Speaker 1:I can't believe we did.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we did.
Speaker 1:We did.
Speaker 2:We did. We had no shame, we were just we were doing all these things. And here's the crazy thing is, we'd show up to churches, We'd show up to places, We'd ask other people hey, how you guys doing? Oh, we're good. Hey, you guys y'all married. It was just like oh, so I guess we're good too.
Speaker 1:I guess we're just on the journey of a newlyweds, I guess we. No one talked about it, so I thought we're good.
Speaker 2:So we're over here experimenting, do all these other things. I mean, we considered, we considered all we're not. I'm not going to say it. You're not going to say the things.
Speaker 1:You're not going to say it.
Speaker 2:Just so you guys know, this is our second attempt at today's recording, Because we started already earlier today and Daly was like you can't be saying some of that stuff. I'm like, okay, maybe we should start a Patreon.
Speaker 1:We can just let it on there. I don't know if that's even going to work. I don't even think I'd share it with the Patreon.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, first of all I'm going to say, it is that God has set us free and we've been delivered, and the reason why we're having this conversation is because we want to be able to help somebody. We're not going to help everybody, but we can help somebody. There are some people that are married and you're thinking that hope is all gone. You think that there's nothing that you can do. You have this bad mindset when it comes to sex, and sex is a gift from God between man and a woman for us to connect physically, emotionally, spiritually, to multiply, have kids. It is one of the greatest things given to us in our marriage and I know it's a challenge, right? Because you know, and I think I'm proud enough to say this, man, that you have never once withheld sex from me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it goes hand in hand. Because you have so much respect for me, you've never forced me to have to say no.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've never taken sex from you.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And we realize that spousal, you know, sexual abuse is a thing.
Speaker 1:It's a real thing, whether it's emotional, whether it's manipulative, like people really do weaponize sex, and even if it's in a marriage, that does not mean that it's not weaponized. That does not mean that you cannot be abused in that way inside of a marriage. Marriage does not cover that. There are still things that can be considered emotional abuse, manipulation. It's not okay. But because you've never forced me into a position where I've had to tell you no, I've never had to tell you no.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that realization has just happened in the last several years, because in the beginning years, right. So we just listed all these things that we added, things that we've done wrong. Even when we first got married, we went to Vegas for our honeymoon and we thought, yo, we're grown baby, we could do whatever we want to do. We could watch whatever show we want to watch, and you remember that show that we went to, oh my gosh Guys.
Speaker 1:We couldn't afford more than one show in Vegas. Everybody says you got to go to a show. So I got us tickets to the show. It was a Circus Olay show, so I knew it'd be good. Y'all. I didn't even realize the show was called O. It meant O for orgasm and it was a whole show. Like I mean, vegas is already sexualized, but think about a show that's themed on sex. I honestly, like I was so embarrassed.
Speaker 2:And we ended up walking out of the show. So bad it made us uncomfortable because we've been married now for two days.
Speaker 1:And we were having sex, so I thought this was supposed to line up we didn't even have sex the first night we got married. That's true, we were both sick.
Speaker 2:We were both sick. We were both sick. So we've been married for two, three days and now we go watch this show. We go watch this show and we're like yo, this is weird, and we're not looking at each other.
Speaker 1:No, it felt so awkward.
Speaker 2:Because it's a rated R show. And we thought we were grown, thinking that we could handle it, and both you and I were both thinking different things. We're both thinking different things about this show. I'm looking at it saying like, okay, bet, I guess we're doing all this.
Speaker 1:And that's honestly what I felt of like, oh, I'm supposed to do all of this. Like this is what I'm supposed to look like as a woman now that I'm married. Yeah, like that's how I'm supposed to behave, that's how I'm supposed to carry myself in the bedroom, like okay, that's what I'm supposed, I guess is what I'm supposed to do. Yeah it. It really is a shame that there are not more bible-based, healthy, um, informational even. I mean, there is now, there is now.
Speaker 1:They're coming out now, but not when we first got married boy, but when we 15 years ago there was not, like one of the podcasts that I've listened to that I've really really loved is called One Marriage, and they talk about like there are seven pillars of intimacy and there's all these different things of ways of connecting and that when you get all seven of those kind of going on a rotation, your sex life is always in a good rotation because you're always connecting intimately in other ways than just sex.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so good. Let me take a moment and pause right now and say shout out to all of our family that's watching us on YouTube, that's listening to this on Apple podcast, as listened to this on Spotify podcast, google podcasts, all the places there, like, if you guys wouldn't mind, especially on the listening apps, um, hit that up rate button, just rate it, get it, give it a five star, unless you really feel like giving us a one star, and that's how you really feel, I guess. Tell us how you really feel.
Speaker 2:I guess, but if this if you're watching this on YouTube right now, hit that like button. Or you know how they say smash that like button.
Speaker 1:Smash that like. Button.
Speaker 2:No, if you're liking this, then it's simple Just hit like Send this to someone that you feel like this can help them. Send this to your spouse, if you're engaged right, if you just got married. Send it to somebody. If you know someone that is struggling with this topic, right there, hit that link. That's right there in the bio. That's hit that link. That's right there in the description.
Speaker 2:You can connect with us directly. Matter of fact, there's a link in there where you can send us specifically a direct line message, a text message, and so we want to hear from you guys If these conversations are bringing you value. Our goal, again, it's not to just go viral, but it's to bring value, and so we really do want to help people out by letting you into our conversations. And so, if you're liking this, hit like um. If you really want to commit, hit that subscribe button. Send a comment, right. Send a comment. We want to hear back from you guys, as I know some of y'all be sending some crazy comments crazy comments, Some of them I don't have responses to.
Speaker 1:Um, before we move on, I do want to recommend this book too. This is the Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. I've read half of it and it's a really good one too, Because I think if you are raised in church, that is one of the hardest parts of our journey is going from this good girl vibes to married and what does that look like? And I now feel in the last few years I've found the happy balance of Danny Lee, who I am as a person, a daughter of the King. I am loved by my savior and I'm loved by my husband, and so now I can be me in the bedroom and I don't have to equate myself to what these you know sex workers are or these R and B girls are, what the world says. A hot woman looks like I. I can just be me and feel loved by you and connect in that way, and that gives us the healthier sex life in a marriage Like what we talked about at the beginning.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's a lot of other things too, babe, that we did to to get clean to get healthy. You know we didn't realize some, even some of the shows that we did to to get clean yeah, to get healthy. You know we didn't realize some, even some of the shows that we were watching was polluting our mind and distorting our perspective. So true, when it came to sex in our marriage, there were shows that we watched, like remember that one show that we used to watch, scandal?
Speaker 1:talk about it because we had to stop watching it.
Speaker 2:We we literally stopped watching it because I literally did not like what it was doing to my marriage. Yeah, watching a show about a man who's the president of the united states, married with kids, and he's he's shacking up with the side chick that works there and all throughout the season. You find yourself kind of rooting for them. A hundred percent rooting for the homewrecker, the side chick and but the first lady of the president.
Speaker 2:she got some weird mess going on and then the side chick got a weird mess going on and I'm like and we're watching this, but we're not really talking about it and what it's doing is planting these little seeds and thoughts in our mind. It did for me for a few years. So the years where I felt like man, like things aren't working out for you and I I guarantee you go to the things that we were watching and I can tell you where that thought was birthed, from, where that thought came from, the years that I thought, yo, maybe I can have a side chick, we're watching these shows.
Speaker 1:And it's crazy how much sometimes it's the tiniest little seed, little idea that gets planted in our head that makes us think those things, and then we don't think it stuck, we don't think we turn the TV show off.
Speaker 2:You think you're mature enough.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like that TV show doesn't impact my decisions, and then all it takes is one moment of weakness or one opportunity and you're like wait, hold up places that we were going. We stopped going, absolutely Like the things that now. Here's where we really struggled, because the moment we introduced porn in our marriage early on, it affected both of us, because now I find myself not going to these websites, but anything that could trigger it, anything that can go down a rabbit trail, whether it's Instagram, facebook, facebook, pinterest it was everywhere you could find it Any, a billboard, a magazine, while traveling. And so for so many years I had to fight that thought, fight those addiction, honestly, y'all. So some of you guys are probably thinking you're listening to this like man, how do I break that? I'll tell you exactly how I broke it, man, I seeked God, I prayed to the father in heaven, lord, I am done with this. I do not want this in my life. I will never forget the day that it broke off me. I was traveling and I was in a hotel room and I didn't like the thoughts, I didn't like the feelings, I didn't like what it was making me do in my mind. I didn't like what it was making me do to myself. I didn't like how it was making me see my wife almost as if my wife could never live up to these women in these magazines or photos or pictures or videos, and I did not like it. I remember, finally, one time I said I can't stop this by myself. God, I really need you to take this. I remember one day I was in a hotel I've dropped down to my face. I said, god, I'm done, I don't want this, can you please take this away from me? I fully submitted to you and I'll never forget. That was a day, never, once, ever again.
Speaker 2:The attraction to it left the diction left all of it. There was no withdrawals. I didn't have to like. I didn't have to like throw my phone in the trash. I didn't have to like. It was literally instantly went away and anytime there was anything that could possibly trigger it, I knew exactly what to do.
Speaker 2:It's like nope, not downloading the app. Nope, I'm not going down that page. Nope, I'm not going to look. Some girl at the gym, some girl at the airport If you try and get eye contact with me, girl, you're going to die first because, straight up, you would never get eye contact with me. I'm not giving it to you. I'm not giving it to you, thank you, because I don't like what it did to me right in the beginning stages of our marriage, where we did not know anything and we opened up ourselves to so many different things. Y'all this, this is real. We live in a world that I know. We see all these physical stuff that's happening, but the bible talks about how there's a whole nother spiritual realm out there that is out to destroy us and out to kill us and take our lives, and that's what Satan wants for us.
Speaker 1:And to kill the marriage.
Speaker 2:He wants to destroy marriage, because if he could destroy marriages then he can destroy our lineages, he could destroy our future, he could destroy our kids. There's so many different things that can be destroyed when sex within a marriage happens, gets distorted, distorted and it's ruined. And so that started happening to us. It changed the way I even looked at you, because the things that we were looking at, we even there was times where we got so bad, where we're over here started to contemplate what it would look like or feel like or whatever with other people. So I remember, babe, many years ago, when we both made the decision of like what we wanted to do when it came to the topic of sex, how we talked about it, the things that we liked, we stopped and talked and asked like what do you like?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What do you like that I do, what do you not like? There are some times, finally, I had to say, man, okay, you know that one thing that you be doing.
Speaker 1:Hey, I don't like it. He's like I don't like it, I don't like it thing.
Speaker 2:I'm like do this, not that and then there are some times I'm like yo, I got my go-to moves and she was like okay, it's getting old yep, sure yes it's getting. No, I'm gonna need you to get some other moves when you do that, it just nope.
Speaker 1:It doesn't do it for me. It annoys me yeah.
Speaker 2:So then guys, listen, fellas, husbands, listen. And I'm saying husbands because, husbands and wives, that's where sex was created, that's where that's what it was created for. Sometimes you just got to humble yourself and ask your wife like what do?
Speaker 1:you want me to do, it's true. And women, you have to speak up and say this is what I like and this is what I don't like, or this is what happens when you do that. God literally made a woman's body to just enjoy sex. Sex is not just, like some Christians will say, sex is only to create people, children babies lineage.
Speaker 1:It's not. Our bodies are designed to enjoy it. But if you don't speak up and if you just take on that weight of like oh, I just have to satisfy my husband, you'll resent him Like. We have to speak up and say like this is what I like. I like when you do this or I like when you do that. That's why you have to touch me all day throughout the house. Like I need to feel that connection with you all day, because if I don't feel any touch of your hand all day long, no hugs, no kiss before you go to work, no, nothing.
Speaker 2:And then I feel you right before bed. No, thank you's the case. That's not how it's. It's a build-up. It's all day.
Speaker 1:You gotta fill the tank and there's some times I'm like I know that I didn't fill your tank up, so I'm not even gonna mess with you at night, and that's okay, I respect that because?
Speaker 2:because I respect you to the point where I'm just like you know what you're my wife, and we're gonna do this anyway, because there are some codependent relationships out there, some narcissistic dudes out there that dangle cheating and affairs and stepping out on their wife just to control their wife by giving themselves up to them. I'm like yo dude. First of all, you're wrong, for that that's wrong.
Speaker 2:So those nights when I'm like man, I didn't fill up her tank at all all day today. So what I'm not going to do is slide in my bed at night and just think my wife's just going to give it to me, even though she could, even though I know that she would, and I know that she would never withhold it. I respect you, babe, so much that I wouldn't ever, ever dare take it. There's been some times I've tried and I can tell you were in a mood and I'm like nah, babe, you're good, it's okay, I'll see. I go to sleep night night. God bless you.
Speaker 1:You did not say God bless you.
Speaker 2:Or there's or there's some other times. I know you're okay with it, so I'll come home late at night from work or somebody, or I'm traveling and you're like just wake me up.
Speaker 1:That's true, I do tell you that sometimes, Listen I can't stay awake till you get here, but when you're here now while you're up, you'll wake me up. I'm a live sleeper. This that's not okay. Um, sorry, that's it, just went another way um, we're joking guys.
Speaker 2:By the way, if you guys can tell I'll never say just joking, I never say jk, I just feel like that's a bad joke. If you guys say just joking like um, then you I I guess I don't know either way, women and wives, you still have to consent at all times.
Speaker 1:So, husbands, you still need consent from your wife. Period, point blank. Nothing at the end of that sentence.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the Bible says, like husbands, for us to love our wives, like Christ loved the church, and I always have this thought, and I've said it so many different times, that Christ died for the church, it's the ultimate sacrifice. And so, for me, christ died for the church, it's the ultimate sacrifice. Yeah, and so for me, the way I see it is, even though we're one, my body is yours and your body is mine. Like, if you're not in the mood, if you're not feeling it, I'm going to just be like, okay, cool To make that sacrifice, and I'm not going to pout, I'm not going to threaten you about leaving, or like, if you don't give it up, someone else is going to give it to me.
Speaker 1:Right. But to be fair, on my side, there are a lot of times that I decide I'm going to serve you because Christ died for the church, but the church serves Christ. And so there are a lot of times I'm not in the mood, I am really tired, I the kids took everything out of me, I'm stressed out about groceries, bills, whatever I got to do. But I am going to be open to you and I am going to engage and I am going to like lower those walls of what I talked about, cause it's an emotional connection. Like women, we almost have to have that emotional connection to be able to do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Because I mean speaking. And even in that same context, in the Bible, you know, it said for wives to submit yourselves to your husband.
Speaker 1:So there are times where I don't feel like it or I may not want to, but because I love you and because I my role is to serve you, I'm not going to make you not ask or I'm not going to make you get turned away Like I'm going to say okay, I actually what we say is like, well, you're just going to have to wake me up or inspire me, I'll get it started.
Speaker 2:So what I do is fire me. So what I do is I drop the temperature in the house super low to where it's super cold, where she needs me to snuggle.
Speaker 1:It was 67 degrees in this house today when we started recording guys 67. I told this man this is not healthy working conditions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Well, we're going to have to snuggle. I hope you better have. You better have some time today after this recording right now.
Speaker 1:Anyways, I love this conversation, though, because it does make space for, and what we hope is that other couples will turn this off when we're done and say okay, what are some of the things that you're going into our relationship with? We're getting married next month, what are some things you're walking in with, what are some boundaries that we're going to set, what feel okay for us, and knowing also that those things can change. Sometimes there are things that, again, we thought we were fine with allowing certain things into our marriage. Of a show, something as innocent as a mainstream Campbell show.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:And then we decided wait a minute, yep, we can't allow this into our marriage anymore. So, knowing that those things will grow and evolve, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:And always having that conversation open, oh yeah, man, there's a lot of stuff we cut out. I mean, we even drew hard lines when it came to single friends. That was living crazy wild sexual lives Right Cause, especially for you, like you had some coworkers that would come to work the next day talking about all the stuff that they did.
Speaker 2:Right and those thoughts get in your mind. That's the type of world that we live in. Right, we like we had to cut out friends. Like that, we had to cut out shows. Right, it has ever been. I could probably, we can probably, count on one hands at times. It was awkward, but I'm like, I'm grateful, man Cause God restored us Like we enjoy if, if, if I'm, if I have to have sex with you for the rest of my life, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
Speaker 2:But it wasn't always that way, because at the beginning and in the middle we started thinking man, what would it look like? What if we? What do we?
Speaker 1:need to add? What do we need to? Do this Like, almost as if it wasn't good enough, with just me and you? And I think it was the connection of all those three things that we said sex is the physical, the emotional, the spiritual, the spiritual. And now that those connections have grown so deep in so many layers including the times of us where we had a really hard season, including the times where we had to rebuild our whole marriage after year 10, all of those things make it even better Now we had.
Speaker 2:This is going. This is going to rock some people. We had sex during our toughest times in our marriage.
Speaker 1:You sure did, still did, yep.
Speaker 2:There was one time I said something way out of pocket. We were in one of our toughest times in the middle of marriage therapy Wasn't sure if we could do it Like, wasn't sure we could make it through. We had sex that night. It was great, we enjoyed it and I was right. When we were just done I was like, hey, just so you know we're still not good oh my god, I forgot I was like just so you know, we're still working some things out I guys it.
Speaker 1:This is the miracle power of jesus that this man is living here today. I could have killed you after you said that. Are you freaking, joking? What happened is we just finished having sex it was good sex.
Speaker 2:It was like after marriage, it was after counseling.
Speaker 1:It was after therapy, you're right.
Speaker 2:So we had sex, it was good and like, but you were like being all mushy of like, oh, I'm so glad Like we're still good and working, and just like we didn't lose ourselves and I was like, babe, we're still not in a good place.
Speaker 1:You just, it's literally textbook, my emotions and your like literal Right, like brain.
Speaker 2:Like how men are so much more mental.
Speaker 1:That's why you guys are stimulated by porn. That's why you are stimulated by pictures is because it's a mental thing for you guys, simulated by porn. That's why you are simulated by pictures is because it's a mental thing for you guys, but for us it's an emotional thing.
Speaker 2:Even today, I'll say right now, even today at the gym, seeing all these ladies around here and one's working out right there, I was like I'm going over there.
Speaker 2:You better put your blinders on, I'm going over there, and it has nothing to do with I'm weak. It has everything to do with what you just said. You're human, I'm human and I look at something. If I look at it long enough, then I get attracted to it, then it becomes something and it can get in me and I'm strong enough now to say nope, nope, I see you, I see you, I see you. All y'all good, looking, looking, wait, ladies, I'm good, I'm going to go ahead and do my bench presses over there in the corner, in the corner, or I'm out, and so I can say that right now, because what you just said, it's a real thing. So that night when we had sex, that night, I get it for you, it's that emotional connection, which is what I need.
Speaker 2:So it's all connected together. For me it was the physical connection. We got that. We, hey, we got it on. It was good and you're like a lot of emotional work to do and you was like oh, I'm so glad, like we're good, and I'm like, babe, we're not good. Just so you know, this sex right here was good.
Speaker 2:We're good now, and by the grace of God we've been set free. Sex is better now than it's ever been. I keep saying that because we enjoy it. We're going to do it today. It's so many different things, but, man, I really just want to encourage you guys, um, if you guys are in a season where you're struggling in your marriage, when it comes to your sex life, um, we're not therapists, we're not experts, we we're not none of that.
Speaker 2:We're just a married couple that loves God and that loves each other, and we love others, and our goal is to really help other people, and so if you feel like you're struggling in that category, hit us up, send us a message.
Speaker 2:We may not even have the answer for you, and if we don't have the answer for you, we're going to point you to someone who does have the resources but more importantly, this channel is for the purpose of seeing restoration in relationships and I believe that, and we believe that here at let's Dig, the podcast, that life is so much better when the relationships are better Our relationship with God, our relationship with other people and then our relationship with ourselves. Man, everything is tied to it. Your next step is based off of your relationship that you have. How life is with your coworkers, with your boss, with your leaders, with your spouse, with your kids, with your cousins, your mommy, your daddy, your landscape guy I don't matter who it is, your neighbor Relationships is key to everything in his life.
Speaker 2:Listen, life was not meant to be done alone, and if anyone says I'm going to do this life all by myself, like I'm sorry to hear that man, you're missing out so much on what life has to offer. So, when it comes to marriage, when it comes to this topic right here and, matter of fact, let me just say this right now I got to say I'm sorry to Dan and Lee's mom. I forgot that she was listening to this.
Speaker 1:I hope I was.
Speaker 2:I meant to give a disclaimer to her at the beginning.
Speaker 1:I'm going to text her before this and I was going to text your mom text your mom and be like hey, you probably shouldn't listen to today's recording. She watches every single episode, I know, and then every single episode she hits you up, but I appreciate her.
Speaker 2:I love her support day one, but love you guys, appreciate you guys in this season, if you guys are enjoying these conversations, yo, for real family, listen, hit us up, send us a message. We want to know what, what else we need to talk about. There's something you want us to talk about?
Speaker 1:just I mean, let us know it's up. Man we love y'all keep digging peace.
