These Habits SAVED our Marriage

When my spouse and I found ourselves teetering on the edge of marital collapse, we dug deep into our habits, discovering life-rafts that not only pulled us back to safety but propelled us into a more profound connection. Our latest episode takes you on a personal journey through the transformative power of physical touch, the laughter that came with a botched attempt at minimalism, and the shared dedication to fitness that has drawn us closer. We uncover the layers of our lives, sharing how the intentional integration of our routines, from praying with our kids to reading "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" together, has fortified the family bond in ways we never expected.

Navigating the dynamics of consent and affection within our marriage opened our eyes to the nuanced dance of intimacy and connection. Tune in as we chat about the challenges and breakthroughs that have come with aligning our parenting strategies and the magical, yet practical, routine of ending each day as a couple. Our candid storytelling reveals the importance of shared experiences, the hilarious trials of adopting new habits, and the ultimate joy of being each other's rock through life's rhythmic waltz.

This episode isn't just about sharing our story; it's an invitation to reflect on your own relationships and consider the seeds you're planting for growth. As we discuss the vital role of deep conversations and intentional habits in building a strong marriage and family unit, we hope to ignite a spark in your life. So welcome to the family here at Let's Dig the Podcast, where every session promises heartfelt insights, genuine warmth, and a nurturing community committed to love's lasting journey.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Habits That Saved Our Marriage
• 9:47 Building Healthy Habits in Marriage
• 17:07 Building Intentional Relationships and Habits
• 24:33 Parenting Habits for Strong Marriages
• 34:22 Importance of Ending the Day Together
• 43:18 Building Strong Relationships Through Conversation

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

So these are the habits that saved our marriage. That's what we're talking about today. That's it.

Speaker 1: 0:04

I know we've been prepping all day about this conversation and I'm happy that you guys joined us in on this convo. We actually want you guys to talk back with us, as I know many of you guys have been doing that, which is great. Shout out to all of our new subscribers, all our new followers. We love you guys. Welcome to let's Dig the Podcast. So today we're going to be talking about something really cool and exciting.

Speaker 1: 0:23

Many years ago, when we got married, 14 years ago, we thought we knew what we were doing and we realized, man, there were a lot of bad habits that we picked up throughout the years, right, and there were habits that was honestly hurting us and I know in our marriage like that's something really big that we had to uncover in therapy marriage therapy a couple years ago. And so today I really want us, babe, to really dial into this thought of what are the habits that we either dropped or had to pick up to save our relationship. So we've got a few of them that we started talking about today, and one of them it's the last one it will guarantee change your life. It's something that's very simple. This is for married people now. I mean, if you're, if you want to be married, that's fine, you can listen to, that's fine.

Speaker 1: 1:07

We love y'all, but the goal is marriage. Right, that's how God created it, but one of them, at the end, we're going to share with you. Honestly, it has changed our lives. We started it several years ago and we do it like Bible. It's, it's religion to us. But, honestly, it has saved our marriage and it keeps us close and tight. It keeps us close I'm when it comes to intimacy.

Speaker 1: 1:31

Um our mental health spirituality so many different things.

Speaker 2: 1:32

And so ready, let's dig. Thank y'all for being here. If you are liking this podcast, liking this episode, like, subscribe, comment, all the things. It doesn't cost you anything, so just do it already. Um, and if you're a hater, don't comment, because we don't need you around here.

Speaker 1: 1:48

Actually, you know what I like them commenting, because it gives us an opportunity to enlighten them.

Speaker 2: 1:53

Yes, Some of them, Some of them, some of the comments y'all like I don't even know what to respond back to.

Speaker 1: 1:59

I'm like I don't have a response for you.

Speaker 2: 2:07

Thanks for being here. Use some periods and commas Well. Some of them are so hard to understand. What is this person trying?

Speaker 1: 2:09

to say yeah.

Speaker 2: 2:09

Anyways. So today we're going to talk about some habits, habits that have impacted our marriage, some habits that have saved our marriage. So what are some of? I would say, what is one of the easiest habits that you've like adjusted to since we've been married and what was one of, like, the hardest habits that you started implementing in our marriage that saved our marriage?

Speaker 1: 2:35

Yeah, um, okay, want me to answer the first one or the second one? You just asked me two questions, whatever comes to your heart first. Okay, the whatever comes to my heart is the second question Ask one again.

Speaker 2: 2:44

What was the hardest uh habit? You just I know I forgot what was the hardest, like the most challenging habit that you started like once we got married so honestly, babe, um, the hardest habit for me was marrying someone who's a toucher oh, ooh, that's a good that makes a lot of sense, like walking by you in the kitchen, walking by you in the bathroom, in the living room, and just putting my hand on your butt or just rubbing past. You right or?

Speaker 1: 3:19

just tapping you To me. I thought that was really hard to start because, first of all, I'm the type of person don't touch me, like, if you walk by me remember when we was really hard to start because, first of all, I'm the type of person don't touch me Like, if you walk by me remember when we first got married like you would just like rub it to me. I'm like hey, why are you rubbing it to me?

Speaker 2: 3:31

He would literally be like why are you over here?

Speaker 1: 3:34

Look at all this space in the hallway Bruh Like look all this space.

Speaker 2: 3:39

But I wanted to touch you.

Speaker 1: 3:41

Yeah, that was probably the hardest habit for me to start. It makes a lot of sense, but I think it helps save our marriage.

Speaker 2: 3:48

Absolutely, I needed it. I am a toucher, I am a feeler. It is one of my strong love. Languages is physical touch, like I can firmly say. It is a necessity for me to feel connected to you and close to you.

Speaker 1: 4:10

I have to have touch. If you guys haven't heard that one episode we talked about many episodes ago I already said it, Dan and Lee she's like a puppy. She's like a puppy, like a little, tiny little chihuahua that just wants to be pet, touch, rubbed, all that stuff. I'm like where do you like it? Right, so she's like, but that was honestly the hardest habit for me to start is just getting used to just touching you all the time or just rubbing you or tapping you or something like that, knowing that and for us men, you know, you know it's, I guess for most men, um, I know, for me and my kind, um, touching is supposed to lead to one thing.

Speaker 2: 4:47

But that's where I get confused. So then why don't y'all want to do it more? Because y'all think about that thing all the time?

Speaker 1: 4:53

Because, first of all, I feel like and this I know this will be debatable, but I feel like, when it comes to sex, that you are the key holder of it. You determine if we're going to have it or not, because some days I don't even know what mood you in and then, depending on the time of the month, depending on where the moon's at True, but I'm saying is that if you touch me more to lead up to it, the green light would be on more often.

Speaker 1: 5:21

Yeah, but babe, think about it. Okay, I go. Okay, it could be early in the morning. You're in the kitchen making lunch for the kids. I walk past you. You know I tap you, which that happens most almost every day. Yes, right, you're probably thinking wait, did you hear me?

Speaker 1: 5:36

I said thank you oh you're welcome, which it is a habit that I had to adopt. But I love doing it because I love making you happy and I love filling your tank and I can tell when it fills your tank literally because you do like a huge sigh Like Danley's like. Every time I walk past her and I tap her, she's like it's so true guys, he's not lying, it's very true.

Speaker 2: 5:58

It's like I can get like so tense and like hyped up and I'm stressed out and if he just does that, then I'm like okay, it decompresses her to like a whole nother level.

Speaker 1: 6:09

We're sitting in the car right and I'm just driving, and I'll put my hand on her lap and I'll hear her go. The best part, though, is when I pump like is when I pump fake you, it's true, I act like I'm putting my hand on her lap and she goes to reach for it and I go to scratch my nose or something like that.

Speaker 2: 6:29

So mean Okay, but like.

Speaker 1: 6:31

For me it was hard because, you know, I was conditioned in my head I don't know if it was from movies or from TV shows or from the culture of this world and the things that they tell you to do and show you how to do, right, in sitcoms. Right, you know, in my head I think touching is going to lead to sex. Right, you know, and it's not an explicit thought, right, it's just somewhere in the back of my just think like, ok, let me fill up a tank, right, but that can happen in the early in the day and later on a day I could do one thing that just pisses you off. That's it, it's over. I already know I'll try again tomorrow.

Speaker 2: 7:10

Okay, that was your hardest one. What's your easiest like? What was the easiest one that you implemented, but that you still feel like it has a strong impact on our marriage?

Speaker 1: 7:15

The easiest one, um, the easiest habit that I've had to start and adopt was just telling you that I love you, Because I didn't grow up in a house where we showed affection. Growing up Like we didn't, we didn't say I love you. You know, um, that's, that's not even really a phrase in Creole, right.

Speaker 2: 7:39

You know, it's a phrase in French.

Speaker 1: 7:41

But but anyways, I'm not a victim of that Right. You know, I've seen like someone dropped in um in our comments and say that guy's such a victim. I'm not a victim of that Right, um, but I'm fully aware of how I was conditioned and I've made a decision to not live like that. So I'm not considering and say I wasn't raised like that. I wasn't raised like that, but that's not my condition now, because I've married you, I made the decision to realize, like she needs to know every single day that I love her. So, whether it's me just saying love you, kissing you goodbye, saying love you, at night saying love you, or randomly while we're texting, say love you, or even when you post something on Instagram and for me to send you heart eyes.

Speaker 2: 8:21

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 8:22

Right, true, just to say love you or whatever, or the water emoji, because you know, babe oh my god right you always um, that that would be the easiest habit. That I think wasn't a good one. It wasn't a problem for me. Let me ask you, okay, what for you? What was the hardest habit for you that you had to?

Speaker 2: 8:44

start. So one thing that we do for years since we got married is that we work out together, and I can say for about 10 of the 14 years of our marriage I hated working out. Yeah, I hated it when we first got married, do you remember? First of all, when we first got married, we gained like a lot of weight.

Speaker 1: 9:11

Yeah, 20, 30 pounds we both just kind of Newlyweds and just like, heck yeah, we were eating. I mean, bruh, it's like Pizzas Taco Bell.

Speaker 2: 9:19

We finally had our own place. Hawaiian Punch own place.

Speaker 1: 9:20

Hawaiian punch. Yeah, man, we were just eating all the crap Red Doritos, blue Doritos, all the Doritos, the Purple Doritos, hey them, things still smack hard. Fire Still going to the best.

Speaker 2: 9:33

So we gained a lot of weight. So we started working out. You were doing like insanity. You remember that?

Speaker 2: 9:38

Uh-huh, yeah, like P90X and you would work out in the afternoon which would make me so angry, like I don't want to work out at three o'clock in the afternoon, I want to take a nap at three o'clock in the afternoon. So anyways, all to say, we implemented and we knew that it was a necessity to take care of our health and to work out, and for 10 years I did that. While I hated it Right, I still hated it. And I remember telling Jordan, our son, one time, like like I'm going to the gym. And he was like why? Because you like it like daddy. And I was like, nope, actually I don't like it like daddy, but I know it's important to take care of my body and to be healthy for my family and for my husband. Now, in the last four to five years now, I've started to enjoy it. I do love lifting weights.

Speaker 1: 10:33

I Dula feeling strong and taking care of my body. So it's different now, but that was one of, like, the hardest um habit to really be consistent with over the last 15 years. Um, you know, it's funny because us just talking about these habits, I remember um how it evolved, right? I remember when um like I'd go to the gym and you weren't there. Or I remember when you'd hear me other room doing Insanity for all the millennials Y'all know what I'm talking about. All the Gen Xers, Y'all know what I'm talking about with P90X, Insanity, T25, all the Beachbody stuff. All the Gen Zers like, what is P90X? What kind of code is that? Relax, Okay, it's something. It's something that we will put. It's a dvd, dvd. You can put it in a dvd player. It looks like a blu-ray player. You still don't even know what that is and we can go skip chapters until you know whatever.

Speaker 1: 11:15

So but I remember us starting to do it together and that brought us closer like I feel like most couples, people who've done it for a long time, it's just like oh, he just does his thing, um, or I you know, I've heard that right from from older couples, you know or I hear guys say like you know, yeah, man, you know, she, she just has her own thing going on and you know, I just do my thing.

Speaker 2: 11:37

And to me I'm like I, I just I remember at a point I didn't want you to be a roommate. I think I remember a lot of relationships at that time too that were around us where it was more common for the guy to actually work out and the wife didn't. So the wife would start gaining weight or get pregnant or have a baby, and then she just wasn't taking care of herself. But the husband all of a sudden is getting swole, losing weight, body fat, muscles, up all these things. And I remember us having these conversations of like, wait, as the like, as the husband, as the head of the house, as your husband, your wife's mate, like encourage her, cheer her on. And I remember you doing that for me. Like I remember you being like come on, baby, we got this. And a lot of times I wanted to throw a punch at you, but it worked.

Speaker 1: 12:26

After several years I realized the whole P90X insanity stuff wasn't working right. So my goal was to encourage you. That was a habit that I honestly picked up, I'd say a few years into our marriage was I did not want to be the husband, I was just like man, you know my wife, she just does her own thing. To me I'm like, even if you're going to do your own thing, I could encourage you. So you started getting to like CrossFit, right, you started getting like. You got like a gym membership while I was working out at home. But my goal was like, if that's what it takes, I'll even show up with you if I needed to. I didn't need to for the first few years.

Speaker 1: 12:58

And here's why we're sharing all this, you guys, because some people might be listening and say, man, they're making such a really big deal about this. They're emphasizing these are the things for us, these small little habits, stuff that we decided to do together to save our marriage. I've heard stories of like you just said the guy starts doing his own thing, girl starts doing her own thing. They go to the gym at separate times every single day. They meet new people and you grow apart. So when you hear stories of people saying like we were married for umpteen years or 20 something years and we grew apart. That's a real thing, man.

Speaker 2: 13:37

Well, and to boil it down to even more of a foundation, it's literally how we chose to build our life together. It's how we built the, the life between Pierre and Danny Lee Airstill. This is our family and this is how we build our life together. This is how we decided to choose to ride in the same car, like if you were at work and I was at work and we were going to oh, actually, let's meet at home, so that then we could take one car to go to the grocery store instead of just meeting at the grocery store and driving separate the whole time. Like there were just things that we were intentional about of being together.

Speaker 1: 14:14

It was how we built our life together, we do everything together, and I love that you mentioned that point, cause that's so true. Anytime there's an opportunity for us to stick to one car, we do it, even if one person got to drive extra miles.

Speaker 2: 14:26

Or we have to go. One has to go earlier than the other. We still do it so that we have time in the car together.

Speaker 1: 14:32

Oh yeah we stay together, like when we go to church. There's some days where I have to go to church maybe two, three hours earlier than you, right? And obviously we have kids. Some people are saying, well, they don't have kids. We do have kids, right. And if you don't know if we have kids, check us out on Instagram. If you're watching this on YouTube, hit the links, hit the link tree, tiktok, instagram, let's connect. All right, but there's times. I remember there was one time I had to go to church early. I had to be there at seven and you didn't have to be there till 10.

Speaker 2: 15:01

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 15:01

Right, and there's been other times where you had to be there early, right, and I didn't have to be there till like nine. Yeah, but I remember us talking about it like man. It's just not worth us going separate, having two cars while we have little kids. We want to build healthy habits and we've made it a point to really decide on where does it matter most for us to stay together. There's never a time where that's not a factor. We're going to always choose to stay together, yeah, unless it's a time where, like, okay, the later on a day is going to be crazy, or we're going to be together later on in the day, or you had to work late the night before, right, there are some situations here and there.

Speaker 2: 15:38

Yeah, there's some situations.

Speaker 1: 15:39

Right, but for the most part it's always going to be let's stay together, let's stay in the same car Another habit that, speaking of cars that we've adopted we still sit in the car, sometimes like we're dating. It's true. There's times there'll be long days y'all, and we'll get to the house, we'll sit in the car and Daly and I will just sit there, sometimes close to an hour, just talking about life, just like when we were dating. So true.

Speaker 2: 16:12

Which, even when you're traveling, those conversations on the phone, like when you're out for work, like out for the weekend, and you call me and we will in love, and all of that. That's on episodes two. There's two, part one and part two Go check it out but we talk about like we started long distance and so when you're traveling, I'm at home with the kids and we are just catching up of like what's going on, what's this, what's that? Like I love those moments because I do know that those were the beginning stages of our relationship.

Speaker 1: 16:56

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and make a confession right now. I'm scared. I'm going to make a confession right now.

Speaker 2: 17:03

What's happening?

Speaker 1: 17:04

I'm going to make a confession right now. What are you doing? You remember, a couple of weeks ago, it was a Sunday and I had to go play a gig. Yes, and I got out of the gig. It was about nine o'clock. Dan and Lee just put the kids down, yep, and I called you.

Speaker 2: 17:22

Yes.

Speaker 1: 17:22

And the drive from there, and it was LA to Orange County, right, so it was about an hour drive. Maybe that night could have been like 50 minutes. And I called you and we stayed on the phone the whole time. Remember that, yep, I called you and we stayed on the phone the whole time. Remember that, yep, it felt good y'all, it felt like we were dating all over again. I'm driving from location A to B and here's the wild thing I'm driving to her. Right, right, I'm driving to you that night.

Speaker 2: 17:47

And you saw me that morning.

Speaker 1: 17:49

It's not like we weren't gone the whole day. Yeah, we're with each other all day, except for those few hours that I had to go do this gig. So I'm driving back home and, um, the reason why I stayed on the phone with you that whole time, because I didn't want you to fall asleep, because, um, your boy was trying to yeah, I needed you to stay up.

Speaker 2: 18:10

It worked, because otherwise I would have went straight to bed and be like I'm going to sleep.

Speaker 1: 18:14

Hey, I would have woke you up too. I'm sorry, I just laughed so hard, but you know what it felt great, though, just being on the phone. That's one of the habits that we do too, like we don't get tired of each other. We don't get tired of being on the phone. Sometimes we're just, it's just small talk. Remember back when we were dating? Nothing, how was your day? I'm like man. You asked me already.

Speaker 2: 18:33

Yeah, I think that's one thing that I love to. It's one of the things that I cherish so much about marriage is that, at the end of the day, you really are my person. You're my person that I want to talk to the most, that I want to share my dreams with the most that I want to. I mean, you've been with me, and a lot of times in the last few months my brain is like I don't know what it's doing, and so I'm like, hey, I need help, I'm stuck, or I'm overthinking, or I'm doing this or I'm doing that. Like you're the person that I want to be. Like, why am I thinking this? What do I do? How do I approach the situation? Like, at the end of the day, you are my person.

Speaker 1: 19:11

Yeah, that's, that's what it is, and you know what? Even talking about that is interesting, because it's so easy to make each other so common and get so used to each other that sometimes it feels like we're each other's enemy, like we're against each other. That happened a couple weeks ago. Like you know, you were frustrated with me about something and I remember, like when I finally had to tell you I'm like babe, like you do know, I'm on your side, right.

Speaker 2: 19:37

Right.

Speaker 1: 19:38

Like, if there's anyone you shouldn't be mad at or frustrated with or thinking that they're against you, it's me. I'm the person that you should not be against, right Like I'm for you, and I think what happens is sometimes just in marriages it's easy to be irritated with the person that's the closest to us.

Speaker 2: 19:56

For sure.

Speaker 1: 19:57

And it's so easy for us to open up to everyone else in the world and not to our true partner.

Speaker 2: 20:05

Right, and it's easy to take out our frustrations on the people that are closest to us. So it's easy for me to be rude to you, short with you, frustrated with you, because you're just always there, like when you take somebody for granted sometimes.

Speaker 1: 20:19

Another habit that we do, that we've um, that we've really determined that it's saved our marriage, saved our lives, is um we integrate, like everything that we do. We share all of our ideas with each other. We share even the hobbies, things that we do so like, like, if I'm reading a book, like, I can't wait to tell Danny Lee about it and I can't wait to encourage her read this book with me. Remember that one time I tried to turn us into minimalist. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2: 20:49

That one, he did not, he did not.

Speaker 1: 20:52

It backfired, cause I went straight into like minimalism he sure did.

Speaker 2: 20:54

it backfired because I went straight into like minimalism. He sure did. He started throwing things away, right away.

Speaker 1: 20:57

I came home and I was like yo, we need to throw everything away, we got too much stuff. We got too much stuff.

Speaker 2: 21:01

I was panicking.

Speaker 1: 21:03

Y2K is going to come right around the corner all over again and she's like where's this all coming from?

Speaker 2: 21:17

I was like man, I got into like the minimalist podcast and I'm realizing she thought I joined a cult. I did, and you just did not go about it the right way at all. But fast forward 10 years and you're like hey, babe, I'm reading this really cool book, you should read it along with me. Yep, and we are reading Rich Dad, poor Dad together.

Speaker 1: 21:30

Right.

Speaker 2: 21:30

Although I'm going much slower than you, yeah because I'm done with the book already. I can't. I've literally drift off in that book. It's hard for me to focus.

Speaker 1: 21:38

But it's a game changer all in all it.

Speaker 2: 21:40

it's different though, because with this one, when you mentioned something out of that book, I'm like, oh yeah, I do remember that part, or oh yeah, I was getting to that part. I understand the thought process behind what you're saying, as opposed to the minimalist when you came home and you just wanted to throw everything away and we don't need none of it, and I'm like, but we do need it yeah.

Speaker 1: 21:58

So we had to really build a habit of sharing all the new things that we're getting for ourselves with each other. Right, even if I started doing research on intermittent fasting, right, I'm like, yo, there's a new way to like lose weight, or there's a new way to like maintain muscle, there's a new way to get lean or to get cut. So I'm like I do, I'm doing all these researching and I start doing it. Right, that's not the right way to do it. So we formulated a habit of just like before we get into anything, sharing with each other hey, I've been researching. Or hey, I've been looking into this new idea or this thought, or yo, there's a new album that I'm listening to. I love this record, I love this music. This is what I listen to in the gym. Babe, check it out too. Now, obviously, I know you're not gonna listen to everything. I listen to the gym because sometimes I listen to classical music so weird or like it's like serial killer vibes yeah, it'd be wild

Speaker 1: 22:50

and you won't listen to everything I listen to that's fine, but there's some things that we do share. Right, we do share.

Speaker 2: 22:57

I think a lot of it too. Honestly, just to be clear, I know that relationships you like somebody may be watching this and being like, of course, I'm going to share what I listen to and what I do and what I talk about, but it's more about being intentional Right, that's that's what we're saying. Of like you may share the favorite show with with a person you're dating or you're married to Right, got it. But like being intentional of how do you incorporate this book or this podcast or something you're learning about? How, how do you grow together? If you're growing in an area, don't just grow by yourself. Bring your partner along and bring them into it. Like that's what we're saying. Of encouraging you to be intentional with those things, because you're not going to be the same person and the last thing that you want to happen is that you married for 20 years and realize y'all are different people and that's because you did grow apart. You literally grew apart and you didn't grow alongside each other.

Speaker 1: 23:53

Yeah, yeah, it's been. It's been a cool journey, just the last few months of us really tapping into it, digging into this whole thing of like, marriage and relationships, like, what does it look like? And this applies to all of our areas of our relationships, even with us as parents yeah, like, you know what I mean? Raising our kids, right, it's easy for us to say, well, here's how we're going to do it. Well, here's how my mom did it with me. Oh Lord Like. Or you're like. Well, here's how your mom did to me, I like.

Speaker 1: 24:20

And our moms are two different people. So we have to come into this and say, okay, whatever you thought in your mind, whatever you had in your mind, drop it, forget it and let's us talk about it and build our own habits. Speaking of kids, right? Um, this is going to sound really weird. Some people are going to say, like, why did he say that? One of the easy and hardest habits that we've worked really hard is the schedules that we have with our children and we work really hard to raise our kids together.

Speaker 2: 24:49

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:49

Meaning like I'm not turning my kids against you.

Speaker 2: 24:52

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:52

And you're not turning the kids against me, right? We're not saying, oh, you know how your mom is, or you know, that's just a, this is how daddy's going to do it, right, so we drop those habits. We drop those habits, like I want the kids to respect you and vice versa.

Speaker 2: 25:06

Whatever your dad said, what did your dad say?

Speaker 1: 25:08

What did your dad tell you? Whatever your dad said.

Speaker 2: 25:11

Cause cause. Sometimes those kids will be asking one parent and then they go ask the other parent, and if you're a parent, you know that your kids do that.

Speaker 1: 25:18

Yo, they try to turn us against each other.

Speaker 2: 25:21

They sure do.

Speaker 1: 25:22

And so for us, we made a habit of like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah we're on the same team.

Speaker 2: 25:27

It's actually us against them, to be honest.

Speaker 1: 25:29

Absolutely, Absolutely. I was about to say some words that I shouldn't be saying here on on the Lord's podcast.

Speaker 2: 25:36

Praise the Lord. Another thing is we put them to bed together, like we pray with them the night, like at night before bed. We do that together. Can one person do it Absolutely, and there are plenty of nights where it is one of us. But if we're both home we both stop what we're doing to talk to the kids. I love asking the kids like the favorite part of their day and their worst part of their day. It just gets them to open up and talk and, especially man, those kids can talk before bedtime. Sometimes they talk more before bedtime than they did the entire day but needless to say it's something we do together.

Speaker 1: 26:16

Yeah, we do that together, we. We sit with them at night and we pray together. We pray together Like we teach our kids how to pray. And yeah, you're right, man, like it's easy for just me to go in there and do it by myself and you to do, and there's some nights like that's just the natural temptation of just like. I can hear you putting the kids down and they're doing just fine, so I could just stay out here and live and do my thing.

Speaker 1: 26:38

And I have to work really hard to not build that habit and stop what I'm doing, even if I have to kiss them goodnight, go in there, say a quick prayer or if I'm jumping in on the back end of the prayer, like you know what I mean. For me, I'm like those habits are very important for us, like we determine the pathways of our kids, like you know what I mean. And so I felt, I felt honestly, I'm, I'm, I'm happy of where we are right now with what we're doing, like with the kids, and I'm grateful that God has given us wisdom on how to raise these children together. Like you know what I mean. Um, something else that we do, guys, um, in our marriage, in our relationship, is we end all of our days together yep every single day.

Speaker 1: 27:25

We end it together. Unless I'm like traveling, we're still gonna end it together, it's true whether it's over the phone right where you like.

Speaker 1: 27:33

you hear me falling asleep. There's times like I'm traveling and we're literally just on the phone, falling asleep with each other. We always end our days to gather Um, we're going to, we're going to give that last tip here in a second, but even our last hour of the day, we'll put the kids down, we'll pray together as a family and you and I will get on this couch and we'll just sit right here. We do all kinds of things on this couch, but we're not going to?

Speaker 2: 28:00

Oh my gosh, what's wrong with you today? Why do we keep going there?

Speaker 1: 28:05

Yeah, because after this recording, here we're going. Ok, I'm just sitting on my team.

Speaker 2: 28:10

We also like sometimes literally we'll just sit here and talk in the dark.

Speaker 1: 28:14

We will sit in the dark. We will sit in the dark, you and I, and we just talk about the day. We talk about what frustrated us, we talk about what encouraged us. We talked about what revelations God has given to us. We talked about what's on our heart. Like we, we share everything. We talk about the plan for tomorrow. We just sit there, honestly, we literally talk ourselves asleep, sometimes Most of the time there's some seasons.

Speaker 2: 28:38

Actually, last night I straight fell asleep on the couch talking to you.

Speaker 1: 28:41

Yeah, you did, I did. Yeah, you straight up did Everything. There's a drool stain right there on the couch and you know what? There's some seasons, man, or there's some seasons, where there's like a series on TV that we're like we're really into right that time when we're into like Walking Dead, which took like eight years to finish Literally stupid show you know there's all these shows that we're into and there's some seasons where those shows are just distractions for us.

Speaker 2: 29:06

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:07

And we know that just sitting time together, sitting together, is quality time and that's more important.

Speaker 2: 29:12

Honestly, since the top of this year we have not watched shows after the kids gone to bed. We've just talked. Since January it kind of started during a fast that we started which is something we do with our church at the top of the year to just really focus in and listen to the Lord and really just start out the year in a different mindset and focus spirituality. And so we started that at the top of this year and ever since then it's like we've never gone back to putting the TV on after the kids go to bed.

Speaker 1: 29:43

Yeah, and it's honestly. Watching a TV show is nice. Sometimes it's a cool thing to do together, but sometimes it's a bad habit. Sometimes it's a way to bury what you guys should really be doing is talking, and it's it's like going to the movies and we're mad at each other. We're going to watch this movie and the common denominator was the movie. Yeah, so we're talking, but we're not really talking. Hey, I don't know if I told you guys this, but a couple of days ago, dan Lee was mad at me for like eight days.

Speaker 1: 30:13

Eight days Yo she was mad, and you know.

Speaker 2: 30:20

Eight days.

Speaker 1: 30:21

But here's why I'm bringing it up right, we're not going to talk about that.

Speaker 2: 30:25

I think that's going to be another episode.

Speaker 1: 30:27

What I'm talking about is we went eight days and we were still interacting.

Speaker 2: 30:32

Sure, but we weren't really talking. We were not really talking, we weren't connecting, but we were interacting and we were parenting together and we were doing the things we need to do for our lives Paying bills in the car together.

Speaker 1: 30:44

We're going to church together.

Speaker 2: 30:45

Yep.

Speaker 1: 30:45

You know, we're on a stage together, we're taking care of the kids, we're picking them up, we're going to the gym Like we're paying bills. We're doing all these things, we're interacting, and I think a lot of people think, man, you know we have a good life. Well, here's what I, that you guys were doing together, and it's just you two together. Would you still be in love? Would you still enjoy each other's company? And for us to cut out movies, to cut out TV, to sit here in the dark bro at night for an hour to just talk, that makes me happy because that lets me realize like we enjoy each other's company. We're not talking about the kids.

Speaker 2: 31:19

Right.

Speaker 1: 31:20

We're not just enjoying a common entertainment. We're enjoying a show, right, because there's some times we can sit here and watch a show and straight up just enjoy it, but we're pissed at each other.

Speaker 2: 31:30

Right I think a lot of women will know this too of the closeness and that emotional connection with our spouses is really what makes the difference, Because when there's that space and that gap, it can sit there for a long time. That's what happened when it sat there for eight days and I hated it, but it was sitting there for eight days so I can interact with you, but I got plenty of space in between. It's six feet.

Speaker 2: 31:59

Six feet away from me Like it was there and it sat there until that night when we went to bed together. And then I was like eight days later, there's two incidences. We're not going to talk about it, but there's two incidences in eight days.

Speaker 1: 32:16

We're going to talk about it, but not right now in this conversation because we do want to help.

Speaker 1: 32:20

We do want to help people on conflict resolution. Right, when there is tension, when there is conflict and it goes a couple of days, right, how do we resolve it? You know, there's some questions that we always ask and I'll say this right now A habit that we've added when it comes to when we have conflict is, at the end, we always ask each other what do you need me to do for you? Yeah, what do you need?

Speaker 2: 32:42

from me. What do you need me to do for you?

Speaker 1: 32:43

Yeah, what do you need from me? What do you need from me? What do you want different from me, so that this doesn't happen again? Right, and that's us working together. But, man, we've been loving this journey, man. It's been really cool man Just building a life together. It's been nice and it's not easy. It's not all roses.

Speaker 2: 32:59

It's not all peaches have to like put your pride down to be a part of some of these habits, to take part in some of these habits. Sometimes I don't want to do those things. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't want to put that space in between me and you and fix it and tell you why I'm mad at you and I'd rather just let that space sit there. Sometimes, like there's so many things, sometimes I don't want to put the kids to bed with you. I want to go take a shower or whatever it is, cause I've been with them all day, like there's certain things, there's a lot of parts of this that are just inconvenient, but it's literally putting your pride down and yourself down to be like no, this is what's best for our marriage, to keep us connected, to keep us on the same page, to keep us building our life together, because that's what's more important than serving myself, than doing what I want to do, than doing what I feel like doing. In this moment, I'm going to decide. I'm going to do what's best for our marriage and for our family, and so I think the biggest one we should say is the biggest one that has changed our marriage that when we switched this, it switched a lot of stuff for us and that was that we intentionally go to bed together, and a lot of married couples they may not think that that's a big deal. They may not even have a thought to it when they end their day.

Speaker 2: 34:22

For us, it was so easy for you to produce music, work in your office, working on a track. You were in the zone I'm watching TV shows, I'm doing whatever I want to do. It was so easy to end the day separately. I'm going to go to sleep at 10, 10, 30, sometimes nine, nine, 30. You're going to stay up till one, two o'clock in the morning producing a track. It's very easy for us to do it separately, but when we made the decision that we go to bed together, it really, really gave us so many opportunities to not only connect in a physical way. Blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2: 34:57

I know you guys talk about it, but I love talking about it.

Speaker 1: 35:01

I know you love talking about it, like why talking about sex is so uncomfortable for you?

Speaker 2: 35:05

It's not. I know you love talking about it.

Speaker 1: 35:06

Why talking about sex is so uncomfortable for you, it's not I, just you do it often.

Speaker 2: 35:10

Yeah, because we do it often yes, that's true, okay, but so, yes, going to bed together gives that opportunity.

Speaker 1: 35:18

Almost every day, by the way Go ahead.

Speaker 2: 35:20

Okay, thank you so much that it's there. But even when I was mad at you for eight days, that was the moment we were just laying in bed. We're not asleep yet, we're just laying in bed, lights are off, it's dark. That was the moment when I was finally able to tell you why I was mad at you for eight days. There was a thing a few months ago. I don't remember what it was, but I had really been carrying the weight of something. I was really sad about something and like you were like are you good? And I just burst into tears and it was something that I was just emotionally going through and I couldn't let it out. I couldn't share it with you. Until it was that moment. You're just vulnerable, you're sleepy, you're in your bed and like, lights are off, house is quiet, and I just burst out into tears that I was upset about something.

Speaker 2: 36:08

So it has become such a bond moment, a bonding moment for us. It is pivotal for our marriage that we go to bed together. It's so different, too, like if you stay up and work and I go to bed, like there's so many things I feel like that are left up in the air that we didn't talk about, we didn't connect on, we didn't connect physically. And then I just see you next in the morning. You're tired because you stayed up and worked too late. Like it's just a game changer for us, yeah it is and I recommend every single married couple.

Speaker 1: 36:43

If you're married right now and you're watching this, I'm going to challenge you. Number one challenge right now If you're not going to bed together, change that right now. It is a game changer. It changed our life, us coming together. Our first two years of marriage we went to bed together, maybe once or twice.

Speaker 2: 36:57

Yeah, we didn't do it.

Speaker 1: 36:58

But we saw how we just grew apart. Right, it was the things, our habits, things that we're doing, how we were eating, how we were dieting, working out fitness, spiritual walk, right, mental health it all is attached to how much we are attached to each other in a healthy way. Yeah, right, we complete each other. Right, it's not 50 percent me, it's not 50 percent you, it's a 100 percent me and it's 100% you to create what we have and us. Ending our day together has changed our life and it's honestly saved our marriage. Even when we're upset with each other, even when we're frustrated with each other, we'll still go to bed with each other.

Speaker 2: 37:37

It's so true, even when we're still mad.

Speaker 1: 37:39

Yeah, because to us it's a habit and it's a choice. It's a choice that the moment you start doing it once, twice, three times you get used to it and it's a thing man couples, straight up do it, and I'm not I'm not judging anyone who does that, but I'm telling you is like it's a next level in your, in your relationship, when you're able to make the decision and say, yo, we're going to end every day together, whether, even if it's long distance, right, even when we're dating long distance we started a habit then and when we're traveling like if I'm traveling, we still end our day together You're still the last person I'm talking to on the phone, like I'm not calling you and calling somebody else which I'm doing, that it better not be a chick. It's going to be one of my homeboys or someone that I had to call back, but most of the time that will not be the case.

Speaker 1: 38:21

Right, you will most likely be the last person, right, that I talked to other than god, like a lot of times, like when we're laying there in bed, like my final thoughts yeah it's as I'm talking with the lord right, but going to bed together changed our life and it saved our marriage it really did, because we didn't for the first two years yeah, sleeping is when you're the most vulnerable in the day yeah, right, think about it, right. You know I'm in my draws, you and your draws, for people to like what are draws. It's your undergarments, all right, okay you're undergarments it's your undergarments, right, but think about it you're in the dark.

Speaker 2: 39:04

Right.

Speaker 1: 39:05

Like you're half naked in your drawers.

Speaker 2: 39:08

The house is freezing.

Speaker 1: 39:09

The house is freezing.

Speaker 2: 39:11

Freezing guys. The door is closed.

Speaker 1: 39:12

It keeps it freezing cold, yeah, man, because you know we can snuggle more when it's cold. There it is, we can snuggle, go to. So we get to do all that stuff, all that fun married stuff, married stuff. But we share intimate moments there, yeah, right. We share emotional moments there, spiritual moments there, right. There's moments where we have some of our most sacred moment as a couple is right there, the last few minutes of the day when we're talking there like it changed our life and we kept that and we keep it holy, we keep it sacred. It's something that's very close to our heart and we know that God has designed it that way. Um, yeah, man, I love this topic. I love this topic. I will say this Um, I'll close with this. Okay, what is the habit that we want to take on that we want to add that we haven't been doing? I'll tell you right now mine.

Speaker 2: 40:10

Okay.

Speaker 1: 40:12

It's longer kisses and longer hugs.

Speaker 2: 40:16

Um cause I sent you that thing on Instagram.

Speaker 1: 40:19

Yeah, but that really hit me hard.

Speaker 2: 40:21

I was like I was like yeah, I sent him a thing the other day that said it was a statistic that said that men that kiss their wives for six seconds before they leave work every day were average to live four years longer than husbands that did not kiss their wives every day. And so I sent that to you and then now. But it's a scientific fact about the oxytocin in your brain after the amount of like four to five seconds or whatever.

Speaker 1: 40:52

So that's why they're saying like kiss till six seconds yeah, six seconds, man, that thing it's long, that thing is long it's not like a peck, especially if it's like the milliseconds or not milliseconds, like mississippi, mississippi's, six mississippi kisses.

Speaker 1: 41:06

that's long, but you know what it is? Long challenge accepted. I do want and I did start a couple days ago. You did so, so I'm not just sitting here on youtube for the first time saying it like, right, when I received that, I thought it, I put it in my heart and I was like you know what? Like I love my wife and I do want to get closer to her.

Speaker 1: 41:22

And I know you're a toucherer, I know that's your love language, you know my love language, you know. For those of you guys, you know we've talked about love language a couple of episodes ago. It's quality time and it's words, right, but quality time means so much to me, like good quality time. That's why I'm not a small talker. Like if we're not having a real conversation, I love you, but if we're not talking about anything there, we're not talking about anything like um, and so for you it's touch, and so for me, the habit that I want to take on and get better at and start adding to my life in our relationship is longer kisses and longer hugs.

Speaker 2: 41:59

I love that Cause it really does make me feel so much more connected to you. Yeah, I think that the habit that I would love to incorporate more. I'm kind of torn, but we've really been slipping on date nights lately. Our schedule has been so upside down with my work schedule. We almost on opposite work schedules, so on Friday nights or Saturday nights I'm exhausted because those are my busiest work days and then it's just hard to do date nights any other time. But they're so important and necessary and so we need to get back onto that schedule of like making them priority yeah, priority right.

Speaker 1: 42:49

That's true, because right now we're in a season especially, as you know, we serve the church. We spend a lot of our times, you know, dating other couples, like going on dates with other couples. You're spending a lot of time there. You're doing a lot of girl time with the girls that you're leading and walking with and discipling, and same with me with the guys that I'm walking with and we're passionate about those, but like we have to make us a priority before everybody else Hands down.

Speaker 1: 43:14

Yeah, thank you guys for jumping into this conversation today. We enjoy these conversations because it strengthens us and we hope that it strengthens you too as well. As you guys know this channel, honestly, it's all about building strong relationships. It's about digging out those bad roots, those bad habits that's formulated or cultivated in your life, and really planting good seeds seeds where we can see really good fruit in our lives. And so God has called us to love him. Love him. He's called us to love others as we love ourselves, and so the only way you're going to be able to love yourself is if you know who really love is, and that's God. And he's called us to love each other. And so this is us growing together, this is us digging together, this is us going to the next level together. And so, if these conversations have brought life to you like again, we hear us say this all the time Our goal is not to go viral, our goal is to give value.

Speaker 1: 44:07

If you feel like this is giving value to you, I want to encourage you hit that like button. You don't have to even subscribe yet, but you're not going to miss anything out, even if you do subscribe. Send this to someone that you feel like this can change their lives, talk back to us, send us a message and let's continue to dig. Love y'all Peace.